this is what happens to me the day before a ministry outreach event. or at least one that took more than a few days of planning...
i start to doubt the planning. today i've made probably 23 lists. one for shopping, one for shopping after the first shopping, one for the food needed, one for the help needed, one about the other day's activities, a check on these things list, a what can go wrong list, a how to fix the things that could go wrong list... it goes on and on. my mom says i have obsessive compulsive tendancies. i agree. now most of these lists are in my brain, but some find their way to paper.
then i begin to worry i'm not supposed to be in ministry. i don't pity myself, but i rethink my calling 18 times to make sure i'm not doing damage to the kingdom of god. most of the time i do this and then laugh... so i'm not trying to sound depressing.
after that i worry no one will show up. this is common with my friends too. we worry we'll be the only ones there with the volunteers. its a very real fear.
a few minutes later i pray like mad and am filled with a bit of hope. i usually yell out loud in my car, "please cure my unbelief!" and then again i laugh because i remember praying the same thing an hour ago and a week ago and a year ago.
then i relax for four minutes untill something new for list number 9 pops into my head and the hamster runs in the wheel again. but more frantically this time.
next i shop and worry i'm spending too much money on this or that. then i worry there won't be enough good to come out of something to spend such and such dollars. and again i get frantic and make a new list that starts with, "spend money wisely." then i inevitably forget to buy something and remember when i get into the truck. and a new list begins. then i curse myself for forgetting. then i wish i had a secretary. then my mind wonders and because i'm single and 25 i wish i had a very attractive secretary who liked me and wanted me to take her on dates.
then i think of fun dates.
after a few too many minutes of this i get back to making lists and praying wildly and wishing i was gfted with details and fearing no one will show up.
but in all this madness that is my brain, i love these days. they make me feel alive and crazy and funny and unique and nervous and stressed and afraid and and and... but the dinner and chrstmas party for college students is tomorrow. we're still praying that we make a contact with 150 students and make a real connection with dozens.
now, back to making lists.
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4 comments:
23 lists....
18 doubts of being in ministry...
1 lack of a hott secretary....
hahaha.. i am laughing at you right now.
it'll be fine! good luck.
It sounds like you are getting lots of opportunities for outreach and God is also giving you opportunities for growth. It is good you continue to question if it is right for you to be in ministry. Wouldn't it be hazardous for the kingdom if you stopped questioning and stopped wanting to change and grow for his?
I hope whatever this big event was that it went fantastic. We miss you in Peru. Alex still calls you Little Austin... well in Spanish that is. Erin made it here safe. It is good to have her here.
i appreciate your honesty...and totally feel the same way!
good luck finding that secretary while you're in tx and while you're there make sure that you keep your eyes open for a male secretary for me (i'm not even picky on the model part ;o)
it all went really well tonight though, i was very pleased (and well worth all the lists!)
Goodness, we are a lot alike in a lot of ways my friend. I just wonder when Jesus is going to pull us out of this cycle. I want us to be sure of things, and I too hope that you find that hot secretary. I feel like the odds are good in Texas. As you know, Texas is very good when it comes to attractive ladies. I'm excited to see you friend.
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