grape sodas and hope... part 2

as i visited Phumzille i began to notice her body deteriorating quickly. she was in the advanced stages of aids and losing weight. she had contracted tuberculosis as a result and was noticeably weaker every visit. in the dreamcenter single rooms were given to the patients most ill. the doctors did this to keep the healthier patients from losing hope, but it also isolates the most desperate patients while they are dragged slowly toward death. before too long getting a grape soda didn't make phumzille smile and she would have problems staying alert or speaking. a few visits consisted of me holding one hand and bonghani, my friend and translator, holding the other while we told her stories, put lotion on her feet, read to her, and prayed with her. she wanted to play cards once, but didn't have the strength to hold 5 cards in her hands. these were painful visits.

on one of these visits she felt like she had the energy to talk with us. she was quiet for a long time and then began with, "i told God i wanted him close to me. and he has answered my prayers. we are talking and he is near me while i lay here all day. he helps me be more happy as i look out my window." i don't really know how to type what her weak voice sounded like saying such beautiful words. bonghani and i sat mouths open while the tears welled up; i wasn't able to say much, but we gripped her hands more tightly and watched her smile. she began to explain how she had lived a life of rebellion against her mother and God and even the friends closest to her. she felt for a long time that she deserved hiv and went into a pretty serious depression before being brought to the dreamcenter. our guilt is a strange and dangerous thing. i know our guilt dealt with in healthy ways can bring us to Jesus or our families to ask for forgiveness, but our guilt fed by sickness and helplessness and shame can lead to giving up. instead of conviction leading to forgiveness, guilt led to hopelessness with phumzille.

after she told us God had been close to her lately we began to talk about his forgiveness and his willingness to clean us up. i'm sure we read some psalms to her about God separating sin as far as the east and west or maybe we read Jesus's promises to restore, but i don't really remember. i just remember getting to tell her God is a good father who wants to forgive and give hope. he didn't think she was a bad child but wanted to be close to her again. we all grinned and laughed during these light conversations because the weights were being lifted off. this conversation in particular lifted my own weights of disappointment and shame and distance form Jesus and his love for me. i realized for myself that he was indeed close and willing, he was ready to forgive and start anew with us.