i went kayaking with tara this weekend in a beautiful lagoon. we were out on the water for 3 hours or so kayaking around several islands close to cocos. on the way out i saw what at first looked like a person surfacing after swimming under water, but then the large figure glided back under the water barely splashing. 'tara, what in the world was that?!" i yelled, but of course she didn't see. its a rule you know, when you see something surprisingly cool, no one else will see it. thankfully whatever it was surfaced again shortly after.
i took off toward the thing not knowing what is was or what it wanted to do to me in my little orange kayak. i paddled over to its spot without thinking about what i would do once i got there or what i would see under the water if i spotted it. then i got nervous... what was in the water in the middle of the pacific that made me think it was a human? did i want to see a shark? was a dolphin going to jump out of the water and make me piss my kayak? about a week ago i watched the jaws marathon on amc, and the images of a huge great white hunting unsuspecting kayakers was creeping into my brain. tara is much more optimistic and was screaming that we just saw a sea turtle, but i wasn't convinced. i saw it splash another time and went to find it, but i wasn't sure of what i might see.
you see, i got nervous because i was in the water with an unknown thing, and the unknown seems to make us nervous. if i knew a rabid, hungry, 19 foot long shark was hunting us, i could then be afraid, paddle towards tara, and get us to safety. if i knew we had seen a dolphin, i could have dove in the water to swim with flipper. but i didn't know. when we are encountering or on the verge of the unknown we get nervous, we question ourselves, we freeze up, or we find ourselves to be very unsure of how to act.
thats the way this ministry in guam feels to me right now. i'm not afraid. i'm not over-confident. i'm unsure. the problems, the joys, and the outcomes are unknown to me. guam is a very different culture than tx and ct, and like anyone, i worry i won't be able to connect well with the students. i feel like i'm in a little kayak paddling around looking for the big "something" in the water. in moments like these, i'm glad jesus is WITH us rather than far off. i'm glad he's near rather than aloof. he doesn't just guide us or command us, but he is near experiencing life WITH us. and this gives me more confidence. it makes me happy to serve and enjoy a jesus who doesn't tell us what the unknown is if i only pray right, but he paddles over to the unknown and peers into the water with us. this gives me confidence to try.
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5 comments:
you're blog really spoke to me tonight. I have been in a completely different environment, with very similar circumstances. I have been struggling get through and anatomy course that at first seemed impossible. I took a major test on friday that will be a large deciding factor of my grade in the course. My teacher has yet to post the scores...and I am unsure how I did. I have been anticipating the grade, but really, after reading this I just took a deep breath and realized that I am not in control (thankfully). A strong peace just flooded over me, one only a God of the universe can give.
It seems like many times in my life as I worry about something, it never seems to go the way I want it to. When I finally do let go (because I am selfish and want to be in control of all aspects of my life), I always feel this peace promised to us. For something that seems so simple, It's always so damn hard for me!
bryan, its encouraging to know we are in a similar place. and man, anatomy isn't to much for you. ive been reminded so many times these past days that with God nothing is impossible. i know that sounds trite at times, but really... when Jesus said those words to a group of people wondering how in the world they were going to enter the kingdom of heaven i bet it didn't sound anything but wonderful.
Well, I wrote this deep and profound thing about the ocean and its potential to swallow us up until the new creation. But my blogger has been screwed up and I couldn't post and lost it. I loved the post though and you buddy. Amen and Amen.
im sure the comment was profound indeed. no problems though, i love you too.
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