go west young man.

I was reading some of “on the road” on the plane ride to Guam from Hawaii when a section caught my attention. He has this dream to hitchhike west across the country and spends the entire first day riding north and south. Out of frustration he says,

“chatter-chatter blah-blah, and me swearing for all the time and the money I’d wasted, and telling myself, I wanted to go west and here I’ve been all day and into the night going up and down, north and south, like something that can’t get started.”

When I read this my heart sank. In his mind and heart and self the man dreamed to go west, but he couldn’t get going, couldn’t get started on his journey even though he had set out for it. when I look at myself honestly I worry I feel the same way sometimes. I worry that in my hopes to change the world, these unsolid, indefinable hopes of engaging the world with something valuable and unselfish and good, I worry I’m “going up and down, north and south, like something that can’t get started.” And then I read about the life of Jesus,

“when the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face like flint to go to Jerusalem… but the people did not receive him because his face was set toward Jerusalem.”

He made up his mind to do something grand. He resolved in his self to do what he was made to do. And so to Jerusalem he went. He accomplished his goal. Love won. This resolve is so attractive to me. So attractive and foreign and reachable maybe… but I feel like I’m at times floundering like something that can’t quite get started, can’t get the momentum it needs, can’t find the flint set face.

So this is my prayer: Jesus, I want to follow you now. Right now. I want to move toward you and change the world with you right now. Enough moving up and down, north and south, enough of these things that hinder my journey. Enough. Please give me the wisdom to find the paths you set in my life and the resolve to follow you through them with my heart as well as my mind. I want to truly get started. Help me.

the steam smelled funny

i just got to go take pictures of an active volcano. i didn't get to see any lava and the gasses were spewing pretty serious so we couldn't go close at all, but i took some pictures. it was incredible. i also stood in some steam from steam vents. it smelled funny.

i remember being intrigued with volcanoes when i was a kid. i saw a clay volcano errupt vinegar and baked soda in a classroom and immediately checked out any book with a volcano on the cover. the volcano phase was just after the dinosaur phase and just before the sharks. but anyway, i always wanted to see one in person. and today, 18 years later, i got to hang out in volcano national park.

we want homework!

i've started teaching a bible study for the latte treatment centers here in guam. tonight i'll go to the youth house and hang out with some 11-17 yr olds. last week was my first week there so i asked what they wanted me to do to help them learn about jesus and the bible. did they want movie clips, narratives, an outline...? their answer really surprised me. they wanted homework. i'm not making it up. a few students actually said they wanted me to print off questions so they could answer them during the week and "know the passage better." and these are youth with severe behavior issues. they want homework.

one of the kids said something profound as we started the bible study last week. he's the youngest kid in the house and supposedly can be pretty difficult. as i started to talk about the prodigal son, he leaned in toward me and said, "you know, i'm not familiar with God." i was struck with his honestly and answered, "well, at least you're a self aware man. sometimes i don't feel very familiar with God either. but thats what i'm hear for. lets get familiar with God together." wasn't that a wonderful way to describe our hearts? its hard to love someone you aren't familiar with.

and when we're honest with ourselves, i hope we don't think we've grown so familiar with God that we are content. i don't want to lose the wonder as i gain "familiarity." i want to be as taken aback as the youth when i told them God wants them in the family like the father wanted the prodigal son. i want to be intrigued with Jesus's words. and i'm thinking that if we REALLY became "familiar with God" we couldn't help but be intrigued and surprised and excited and confused and happy and frustrated and hopeful.

election thoughts

so, the election... i'm not ashamed to say i was happy with the outcome, although i thought neither candidate was incapable or evil. i just read donald miller's blog and was relieved to hear him articualte so well a few of my concerns and thoughts (though many were new to me and very insightful). i haven't checked out his blog in a long time.

something has bothered me throughout the day however. speaking of the house and senate all I've heard is "who will gain CONTROL over" either. that word makes something in my stomach twinge and turn. why do we americans have to have a controller? why isn't it enough to say someone has won, and why even do we use this word for the party with the most reps? why don't we rather say "democrats have a great INFLUENCE in the senate" or better yet, "the democrats now have a great oppertunity to SERVE in the house." why must things always be about control and power and winning?

and i wonder about the church's role in changing the way we see power. i wonder openly if we are just adding fuel to this fire named power. do we want to control our country as christians or do we want to influse it with the hope and service and love of the Jesus we say we follow?

ive never heard of it. it wasn't a major conflict in my nations history was it?

Our college group cooked pancakes for one of the dorms on campus Saturday morning. We’ve finally been allowed to minister openly on campus, so we tried to get this opportunity as soon as we could. We had a nice little info card from my friend James Kwon, pancakes, and enough syrup to drown a college student.

I’ve never felt like a nervous person. I mean, I get stressed out about things, but I usually don’t deal with really heavy nerves before speaking or an event like this or whatever. Oh, not Friday night. I couldn’t fall asleep. I hadn’t had time to go get the groceries and wasn’t sure how many students were coming to help from PIBC or how many students we’d get to meet. I was a wreck. I dreamed about the morning going badly twice and woke up three times during the night. At 4:00 a.m. I told myself that they would in fact have pancake mix at payless supermarket and tried to go back to sleep. At 6:10 I told myself I wouldn’t burn the pancakes and that they would have the milk and eggs needed when I went shopping. When I woke up again at 6:40 I decided to get up and go shop just in case.

I bought the pancake batter and other supplies (payless didn’t disappoint) making my way back home still with a knot in my stomach. I had our rave cards. I had the groceries. I had the griddles. I had my pants on. What was there left to be nervous about?

So I got to the college, picked up the PIBC students to help, and started cooking some pancakes. All in all the day went well. We served maybe 30-45 students and had some cool conversations. I got to talk to two guys almost the entire time students were there and only made a fool of myself once. One of the guys was from Vietnam. When I asked him where he was from I couldn’t understand his response, after asking twice I just said, “I haven’t heard of that. Where exactly is it?” He and his friend looked at me and politely said Asia. Hahah! About an hour later I asked again and understood he said Vietnam and was able to correct the blunder, which made us laugh for a good 3 minutes. They were concerned for the tall white American who hadn’t heard of Vietnam.

So now I may not be such a nervous wreck for the next pancake brunch. I know payless has pancakes. I know our campus group will show up to cook. I know students want to eat. And I know where Vietnam is.