alive alive

evaluate

2009-05-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

my first year in guam is coming to a close, or at least the college year. now is the time i start evaluating everything we've done. i have to look at all the notes from our events, rehash all the bible studies, and wrestle with every event or idea that didn't get a followup. this is a stressful time for me. i've always been a tough critic of my own work or ministry, so at times i can focus on all the unfinished or the "unsucessful", or the "not so attended."

But this year, this semester, will be different. i'm going to first celebrate the blessings. i'm going to purposefully praise and give thanksgiving first. the good things we've seen are from Jesus anyway, so before i get frustrated at myself or guam, i'll celebrate Jesus.

i'll let you know how it goes and the specifics as we go along.

Fight! Fight! Fight! (in a schoolyard chant)

2009-04-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

because now i'm the most inconsistant blogger in the world, i'm vowing to try to write more frequently. its been a crazy semester.

i'm reading a really good book by frank mcCourt. its his story growing up in sad, impoverished ireland. so good. so aweful. very sad. but i like it and want to punch him for being able to write so much better than i can but he's old and its not good to punch older guys. so i just read.

i have this friend who plays a college sport. and this friend i have told me today that one of her teamates was getting picked on by this girl down the hall so they all met at the lake to fight. now, i'm not a guy who condones fighting... but there's a point to this story. so they get to the lake and the entire team is on one side and all the other girl's friends are on the other... the two girls fight and there's no clear winner and they all go their separate ways.

when the teamate gets in the car with her team she tearfully asks, "did i do okay?" and they all embrace her and tell her how good a fighter she is and how she stood up for herself blah blah blah... but they also tell her they are proud of her. she beams. she had the respect and pride of her team. she won.

again, i don't think fighting is good. bad actually. but i think belonging is wonderful, and some of us will fight to do it. we'll rally around each other because the entire team is there watching. we'll scrap and claw to belong, to be a part, to have community.

i wonder what community would be like in our college ministry is we ALL felt like we were fighting (peacefully) for something grand. if one of us was in trouble would we rally around them and tell them how great they are doing and how much we believe in them? why do we let each other flounder and begin to sink rather than cheering them on and hugging their neck when the trial is over? in galatians we're told to carry one anothers burdons, that doing so actually fulfills Christ's law. his 2nd most important of them all...

easter clothes

2009-04-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

we got back from our trip to saipan this weekend. it went really well. i can't talk about details of the trip online because of international problems, but if you'd like to hear about it please give me a call. i loved it.

easter has of course steered most of my thinking toward the ressurection. because i'm the worst missionary ever, i missed the sunrise serivce here and thus missed church on easter sunday. easter sunday. the day everyone and their pets go to church and the college missionary misses. i'm rediculous.

but i've been thinking...

when peter went to the tomb what did he find? the grave clothes. i thought about this all day and didn't really have a reason. it was just stuck in my brain. and then i thought of Jesus telling lazerus to come out of the tomb where he was laying. Jesus tells the people to "unbind him." or literally, take the grave clothes off the man. i've been struck with the grave clothes the past week.

i wonder if many of us walk around with the grave clothes on. Paul tells us to "clothe yourselves with christ" and to "put on" such attributes as righteousness and gentleness and patience. what an intresting way to tell us how to live. we are to clothe ourselves with the life and way and heart of Jesus. some of us need to be unbound. we need to take off the grave clothes. we need to wear righteousness.

Jesus being alive should encourage us to be the same. don't just act alive. be alive. wear aliveness. don't just act compassionate. be compassionate. wear compassion like a coat. i know this may sound strange and its still being worked out in my brain, but its all i've been thinking about this easter.

enjoy your new easter clothes.

the life of the party

2009-03-25T00:20:00.001-07:00

i haven't written in a while because my mac is injured at the moment. i spilled an entire cup of coffee into the computer. INTO the computer. its not pleased.

the other day i was in the gym with my good friend andrew for our daily workout. and when i say workout i really mean being at the gym laughing like crazy at whatever jokes and commentary we can throw at each other. honestly we laugh most of the time we're supposed to be lifting. well this particular time i laughed hard enough to almost drop weight on my head and fell off the bench. this of course drew a little attention from other gym patrons, but they didn't think it was as funny as we did. they looked at me like i was stupid. and they're right i'm sure, but i got to thinking. is there a rule about laughing or smiling in the gym? do we have to hold looks of intensity or can we genuinely enjoy the few hours we're there?

and then i started thinking about the life of Jesus and all the parties he went to. he ate and drank enough for the religious leaders to accuse him of being a drunk and a glutton (that makes me laugh by the way). when people came to Jesus, they threw him a party, and he enjoyed it. matthew becomes a jesus follower and invites all his buddies over to the house to meet Jesus. i think this was because Jesus was a joy to be around.

Jesus was a joy to be around.

i love thinking about that simple statement. he smiled. he laughed. he gave high fives and used puns in his stories and chased kids around and hugged people. we are supposed to live the same joyful lives. it should be said of us that we are a joy to be arond. people should like our company, not run from it. why is it that sometimes christians are the most serious, unfunny, stern-faced individuals in a crowd? why can't we be the most exciting?

now i don't know that we should be dancing on tables next time we go out to eat, but maybe you can chase your kids or tell a joke or throw a party just because. maybe we can grin a lot and be the kind of people who get invited over to dinner. maybe we can be like the Jesus who was a true joy to be around.

communities of forgiveness

2009-03-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

i remember some good times in college. i feel like one of those almost old guys who talks about his college experience and roomates more than anyone wants to hear. but i can't help it. i had a great time and even better roomates. as good a guys as they all were, sometimes 5 guys in a 3 bedroom apartment got to be a little much. there were a few disagreements, and a few of those turned into heated discussions... and a rare few turned into near brawls. i think in 2 years there was only one physical fight (me and kirk).

one things that always made me thankful was the forgiveness given to each other in the apartment. my roomates weren't like the typical guys who would scream at each other and then never talk about the arguement again. they actually asked for each others' forgiveness. we would sit down over wings and hash it out. and that forgiveness was contagious.

when we would hear two guys fixing problems they had with each other, it would loosen the tension in the house. it would put everyone at ease. but it would also set a standard for how to do community.

maybe when we forgive it rubs off on others. my friend kirk wonders if Paul telling the church "whoever you forgive i forgive" tells a bit of the story of community forgiveness. maybe forgiveness is contagious. kirk asked the question, "are we creating a culture of forgiveness? maybe another question might be, is my ability to forgive expanding others' ability to forgive?" and i think its a question worth asking. how does your forgiveness, or the lack there of, affect those around you?

they wrote it in their songs

2009-03-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

forgiving is hard. its not implanted in us to give it or ask for it or be impressed by it. i remember fighting with lakyn, my little sister, when we were young; we would always have to apologize if we were caught fighting by our parents. i made her cry way more than my parents knew by the way. but i also remember it being just as hard to give forgiveness than to say i was sorry. Lakyn was ready to forgive, but me, i gave lip service to the word through gritted teeth and plans stewing in my vengful little brain as to how to get my cute little sister back for whatever she did.

Jesus was such a disciplined forgiver that it was a part of his character. God, when proclaiming his name to moses says, "the LORD, the LORD... forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin..." It was a part of his name, an attribute of his divinity, a description of his self. i'm always intrigued by how many psalms are devoted to forgiveness. they wrote it in their songs. what a beautiful picture...

i wonder whats written in our songs? i wonder if our lives sing of revenge or mercy? do we sing out grudges or love? do we beat the drum reminding everyone where they've wronged us or do we play the strings of forgiveness? what do you sing?

forgiveness is releasing someone to rebuild whats broken. and much of the time its hard. its hard to repair things, but its such a beautiful song.

the speaklisten project

2009-03-07T22:39:00.001-08:00

we're about to start a photography outreach art project thing called "the speaklisten project." the hope is to create dialogue between the church and outsiders. our college students are pretty excited about it i think.

for more info go to speaklisten.com

the site will be updated very soon with the guam information. we're hoping to have the show towards the end of april / early may. we'll see how it goes...

conversations...

2009-03-03T20:00:00.000-08:00

because i've been thinking about the importance of conversation and two sided dialogue this week, i wanted to share one with you...

it takes place in a coffee shop between college aged people.

girl: so youre a minister huh? hows that work for ya?

guy: well, good i guess. jesus means a lot to me, so it...

girl: (cutting him off) really? i mean, don't shit me here... really? cause you seem like a normal enough guy. you really believe in what youre doing here?

guy: (unable to stop laughing) really. and thanks for thinking i'm normal i guess. but yeah, i'm not feeding you a line. i get to talk about what matters most in my life. i know that may sound dramatic, but its true.

girl: see, i never grew up talking about god a whole lot, and if my mom talked about it with me it was pretty abstract and you know, whatever works for you kinda thing. i think i like it better that way. but i don't know. i do actually try to think about god though... i'd consider myself spiritual for sure.

guy: thats respectable. and responsible. i'm glad you think. too many people don't. what do you think through?

girl: lots of things. i think a great spirit probably hovers over our lives, and it may be love i guess... yeah, if i were to say there was a god it would probably be love in the purest form i guess. does that make sense?

guy: yeah, it does. thats really intresting.

girl: yeah?

guy: well yeah, i haven't ever thought about it like that... when youre thinking, what do you think about Jesus, or do you ever?

girl: hmm... well, honestly i don't think i like the idea of Jesus so much.

guy: (laughing again... probably not the funniest thing he's ever heard, but he laughed because it was surprising) really? usually people at least think he's nice or whatever.

girl: well, i mean yeah. i guess he's nice. i don't know. his name and stuff gets thrown around with all kids of stupid shit. wars, manipulation, big churches...

guy: true. it does. it sucks and makes me real sad.

girl: yeah?

guy: well yeah. because see, i actually like him. i hate how he gets thrown under the bus all the time and hate when we do crazy stuff and say "jesus made me do it" and it makes me sick at my stomach how we make him look sometimes... but him. the real him. he's so exciting and weird and good and kind and crazy and... and... good. and i like him. really, i know that may sound crazy to you but i love the guy. a real, honest, deep... love. i love his self. him. its hard to explain i guess...

girl: no... no, that sounds... i don't know.

guy: crazy?

girl: no. like it sounds right or something. i don't know. or just good. you want another cup of coffee?

guy: sure, ill get you one too. another latte?

and that was it. they got to talk more later, and she brought up faith in conversation a few more times. but during that sit down in the coffee shop, they takled about music, movies, and masters degrees. and the guy was okay with that.

dancing dialogue

2009-03-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

here are a few definitions on my mind this week...

dialogue: 1. a conversation between two or more persons 2. an exchange of ideas or opinions on a particular issue, esp. a political or religious issue, with a view to reaching an amicable agreement or settlement.

conversation: informal interchange of thoughts, information, etc., by spoken words, oral communication between persons.

a few words caught my attention. INTERCHANGE and EXCHANGE.

i wonder if the christian community (and myself) might look at these words again and evaluate our use of them. that sounded arrogant, and i don't mean it to be... but really, i wonder if we're very good at conversation and dialogue. i'm worried we've traded them in for discourse or debate or argument.

what if we aren't good listeners sometimes? what if we get louder to make a point? what if we don't give the other party a chance to speak because we worry listening is weak or we're threatened by what someone may say? i worry we've disguised our fear of conversation and dialogue with words like "boldness" and "evangelism techniques." many, in the name of boldness use a bullhorn on a street corner or talk TO a person rather than WITH them. maybe its not because we're bold but because we're timid. too many "techniques" (what a funny word to use when talking about the good news of Jesus) trap people or talk them into a corner (not all of course). they sound rehearsed because they are, which doesn't come off as very genuine.

i'm reminded of an idea in one of my favorite books. the author says inviting someone into the kingdom is more like a dance than a wrestling match. in a dance you give and take, step and pause, you make eye contact, and you're careful with the other person. and a forced dance is called assault. a wrestling match pulls, grimaces, strains, and forces one to submit. in a wrestling match there's a winner and a loser. i think a dance may be better.

more thoughts on dialogue later...

41 kids, 20 students, 14 pizzas, and one great game...

2009-02-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

yesterday, our friends from the chuukese christian fellowship brought 41 kids to come spend time with college students. i stressed about the sign ups all week, worrying we wouldn't have enough college students to make the day fun for the kids, but we had a great group. we sang songs, played some really funny games, danced a bit, ate a ton of pizza, and decorated some sandles for each kid.

watching the kids make mummies out of the students with toilet paper was hillarious, but watching the kids dance singing "i got the love of Je-ee-sus, deep down in my heart" was most assuredly the highlight of the day for me. the kids were so gracious to us and to each other. a few kids didn't have shoes because they didn't sign up but came to the bus last minute yesterday. so a few of their friends gave them one of their shoes to decorate for them. it really was a great day. here are a few other highlights:

1. we had less than 10 lemonaide spills, making cleanup less terrible.

2. we all rolled with laughter while pibc students ran around with blindfolds trying to follow their teams directions.

3. "je-ee-sus, deep down in my heart"

4. the face of one of the kids who decided to taste his markers...

5. we got to see something we really believe God set into motion work better than it could have in our minds.

boy a

2009-02-22T15:31:00.000-08:00

this week we'll be talking about freeing the prisoner in our college bible study. jesus tells his followers that they need to visit those in prison, he quotes Isaiah 61 in his home town, and he gets a few disciples out of jail while joining others inside in the book of Acts.

if you are looking for a good movie to watch this week, rent "boy a." its about a young man released from prison for a crime he commited as a 10 year old. redemption is a heavy theme in the film. it wouldn't get out of my head and really posed a lot of questions we may address on thursday. if the movie wasn't so raw, we may have watched some of it.

thats all i have for now. but if you want to think about the way Jesus redeems the prisoner or formerly imprisoned, read matt 25, isaiah 61, the sermon on the mount... and watch "boy a."

jesus healed people.

2009-02-18T19:46:00.000-08:00

its been a while since the last post, but i've been busy. we're having our bible study in the dorm for the first time tonight, so i've kinda been scrambling.

tonight we're talking about healing. i just looked at that sentence and all the normal doubts and fears and arguements surrounding this subject attacked my brain. sometimes i'm afraid to talk about it because i worry i'm being super spiritual or charasmatic. other times i want to list all the times Jesus doesn't heal and talk about comfort. right now i just want to make a crazy face and throw my cap down in frustration because jesus never seems to heal the same way twice. there's no boxed method around all the stories in the bible.

he spits in a guy's eye (or at least puts it there after playing with it in the dirt), he lets a few blind guys screamand fumble their way through a crowd, he heals casually (if you can use that word for Jesus) while sitting down on a hill, he heals with touch, he doesn't heal at all sometimes, he heals from far, other times he's close and whispers, sometimes he heals relationships, he gives emotional healing, he heals groups, couples, face to face... he heals men, women, children, the poor, the rich, the soldier, the beggar.

and today while thinking about Jesus i realized something profound to me. its simple really, but a lot of times we fret over how to heal or when to heal or the faith to heal or who to heal and we miss a very simple reality. He just did it. Jesus healed people. all the time. it characterized his coming and his disciples and his church. it didn't just happen around him, he made it happen. so maybe we should look at this with a little more simplicity. maybe we should just heal people. mend wounds that broken relationships cause. heal wounds caused by our broken world and evil men. too often destroying or breaking things chacterizes our lives, now its time to put broken things back together. we should be healers.

that may mean we ask god boldly to heal our sick uncle. it may mean we listen to a heartbroken friend 9 nights in a row. it may mean that we stay with a broken marriage and put it back together. but i know we are supposed to heal.

getting started

2009-02-10T18:26:00.000-08:00

i was thinking it may be good to list some creative ideas i've read or heard or tired myself to get involved with the less fortunate around us. these ideasw aren't always fulfilling the gospel in and of themselves, and if just left to "acts of kindness" are perhaps lacking in the sharing life area... but they may be a helpful start.

1. ask someone's story. me and a friend in boston once just sat by a homeless guy next to the subway and asked about his life. he seemed surprised to have someone actually ask him questions. his story was fascinating and sad and intresting. then he asked our stories. we sat with the guy for a while and then gave him a few dollars and prayed with him.

2. carry a lighter. my buddy in ct does this because he gets asked for a light from street guys. good conversation ensues.

3. volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen. one day a week can change your world, just ask my friends dave and erin. once a week while they were dating they'd go cook food at a shelter.

4. adopt a family with your lifegroup or sunday school class. my friends kirk and kerra have an amazing life group involved with a struggling family in their community.

5. pray everyday that God makes you generous. the results might be stretching though...

6. alright, this one is sometimes illegal and unsafe if you are alone, but me and friends sometimes pick up guys needing rides. there are some funny stories with this, but usually they end up with good prayer time or at least a thankful rider.

7. pay for the table next to your's meal. this one's tough for most of us, but if the money is there, it helps teach the kids to be generous.

8. at christmas, my friend randy bond and family make christmas lists... of what they want to GIVE each other, not receive. and you know, their kids like giving more than getting.

9. be on the watch for ways to give. my roomate from college daniel was always buying kids shoes or coats or ties for school dances because his ears were opened to needs around him. and the kids at the boys and girls club LOVED him.

10. instead of buying a new coat next year, maybe spend that money on a few to give away.

11. give to some organization or person you believe in. i can't tell you the blessings i've received because my friends didn't eat out for a month and sent that money to me or to the ministry out here.

so again, these are just a few simple ways to be a blessing. what are some ideas you may have? we want to continue to find creative ways to be a blessing, and more than anything else want an open door to be a part of each others lives. and really, write in with things you've done or seen...

location, location, location...

2009-02-05T19:15:00.000-08:00

after pondering involvement with the poor and the word "involvement" itself, i've developed a theory about myself. its easier for me to see poverty and oppertunity to engage that very poverty when its at least an arms length away. usually its much more than an arms length in fact. trees in china, aids in africa, orphans in peru, street kids in thailand (not that i'm involved with these things)... all these occupy my brain and spark an adventure nerve. but what of the poverty in my personal space?

its easier for some of us to imagine helping the poor in another country, which isn't at all bad. in fact, some are called by god to go to these places. but some get discouraged because of an inability to travel to russia or india. others don't actually DO anything because of eyes only looking to future "trips" or information about the newest "trendy" activism adventure. and we miss the needy in front of our faces. we cannot think globally and fail to act locally.

the early church was said to "not have a needy one among them..." because the rich were involved with the lives of the less rich. they shared. they ate together. and they did so in their own community. can we imagine what our churches would look like if people said, "wow. there isn't a need unmet by that church." what would happen if the church indeed thought and dreamed globally while ACTING locally? what are the needs of those in our space, those close to us, the ones we can touch?

getting involved with the poor

2009-02-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

i met a wonderful couple (we'll call them jeff and susan) last week who will speak at our fellowship live on thursday. their story is wonderful.

they worked and raised a family in alaska before moving down to to portland. after their kids were out of the house and they both were able to retire, they set out building their dream home. as they sat on their property they realized they didn't want to spend the last 20 years of their life sitting in a beautiful house on a nice piece of land. they left the dream house and the american retirement and moved to western asia to live with a culture group labled the poorest in their country.

their were no believers in the entire people group and they suffer poverty and malnutrition in the mountains of western asia. so this older couple decided to live near them and love them. after lots of conversations and hikes across villages, there formed a wonderful idea. apricot trees grow in similar terrain and climates in india. so our buddy jeff took a trip to india to see how well these apricot orchards were doing. he came back with different seeds and some advice on how to grow the trees.

now, after much hard work and care over the first ever orchard in the area, they are ready to plant a tree for every home in this people group. going from village to village they're giving and planting a tree, a gift, their heart next to every home that wants one. and in 5-7 years, the trees (under their occasional supervision) will bear fruit giving the people much needed fiber in their diet. but the trees have already begun to bear the fruit of friendship and faith for this couple and their new friends in villages across the poorest people group in the country.

they are looking for volunteers to travel to asia and plant some trees in a few months. what a wonderful oppertunity to do more than send a check, although checks are good... they are deeply and with all their hearts involved with the poorest of the poor. i love their story.

quote of the week + a big time paradox

2009-01-28T20:22:00.000-08:00

"on the day of judgement, surely, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done; not how well we have spoken but how well we have lived."

thomas a' kempis, if you were alive i'd give you a hug and a very platonic kiss.

as we start searching Jesus' life for joy, and as we start specifically looking at the ways he loved the people around him i'm struck with a paradox. this jesus says such difficult things sometimes. "whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." seriously?? lose your life to find it? he might has well have told me, "hey austin, crawl to be taller." or maybe, "eat your bebe's bacon sandwiches to get thinner."

but i think there's something intrigueing here. i don't remember who, but i heard someone say there's an art to losing your life. an art to finding a life thats sorta hidden, one thats under the surface of the noise around us. the kingdom of heaven. and this life Jesus is offering, i want it. and to have it i have to lose my life.

so here we go. learning a new way to live, learning new acts that identify us, learning new disciplines to live by. we have to have our lives reinvented and for some of us it means starting all over. the disciplines of selfishness, of retaliation, of greed, those have to be lost so that disciplines like loving the poor, helping the widow, and seeking peace can be found.

another quote from mr. a' kempis may help us here...

"we must be ones who uproot vices and implant virtues..."

but disciplines??

2009-01-26T02:00:00.000-08:00

okay, i have two thoughts before i get into "reprise again."

1. i saw another sea turtle today during the morning swim... they are probably my favorite. so so beautiful.

2. i don't know that i've ever read two books in a row as good as "same kind of different as me" and "what is the what." thanks cara and lakyn. i highly highly recommend these books to anyone. i may have gotten emotional reading them... thrice times.

Celebration of Discipline is one of my favorite books. i read it in college and haven't been able to get it out of my head. i looked for it in my apartment yesterday and realized i didn't bring it to guam. i don't think i ever fasted or practiced solitude before reading the book, and i love the idea of simplicity being a discipline. mr. foster is the first to say that his book doesn't encompass every discipline in the christian life, but his book was a beautiful starting point for me on my "following Jesus journey."

now whenever i read about the life of Jesus or listen to his words or see prophecies about his coming i wonder if i'm missing some other... somethings. we can read our bibles, pray often, fast, and worship only to see that our following him goes only so far (Isaiah 58). passages like matt. 25 throw me for a loop when Jesus himself says to live lives that visit the prisoner, clothe the naked, visit the sick, and give the thirsty something to drink... for if we don't live lives like this we really aren't his disciples at all. i've heard these things preached to me before, and i've tried to do some of these acts randomly, but i usually feel awkward or don't know where to begin.

i feel the same when i try to start running after the holidays. i know i should run. i know i can eat all the green beans i want and drink all my water, but if i don't run then i'll still be out of shape. yet when i start it feels awkward and i'm sore for three days. this is simply because i'm not disciplined in my running. in fact, i don't even like running until i can run 3-5 miles and feel fine.

and so i think its the same with the actions of Jesus. in mark it says, "as was his custom, jesus taught them..." it may not be our custom to teach others about life, but maybe we should discipline ourselves so that it is. the same goes for feeding the hungry. my best friend helps out with loaves and fishes feeding hungry people in austin, but its taken time for him to feel comfortable doing so. we aren't born with a desire to give or to visit hospitals or to practice hospitality... those things have to be learned. we have to do them over and over so that we enjoy them more and more until they become a part of our natural life.

thats why we are calling these acts of Jesus "disciplines." thats why here in guam we are going to take a long hard look at the way Jesus lives, the acts that surround his self, and the things that seem to make him the most happy. it seems throughout scripture that feeding the hungry is just as important as fasting, if not more. and caring for the orphan or widow just as important as corporate worship. its not natural for us "to lose our lives in order to find it..." so maybe thats where we start, we pray God helps us find the discipline to lose our lives...

reprise, again

2009-01-20T21:05:00.000-08:00

This semester we’re going to start a series called “reprise again.” We’re going to try to take a good look at the life of Jesus focusing on the disciplines of the kingdom. But we aren’t going to focus on the one’s I’ve been taught for so long as the pillars and foundations of my faith like bible reading, prayer, fasting… although I believe strongly in these and try with all myself to practice them. We’re instead going to look intently at the actions Jesus disciplined himself to enjoy with those around him. Giving to the poor, feeding the hungry, enjoying a party, redeeming the prisoner, and healing the sick are a few. We want to see his life come alive to us again. We want to be made alive with him.

I’m going to try and blog twice a week as I study and find people who I believe really believe and practice these disciplines. One entry a week will be my thoughts while studying scripture and the other will be a look at a friend’s story. I want this series to change my life. I want our students to enjoy the Kingdom of God as much as we dream we can.

on the way back...

2009-01-18T15:33:00.001-08:00

the day at the airport felt like 5, but i think all in all i handled moving back better than i thought. i know i'm not really cool enough to describe my day at the airport, but i'm going to do it anyway... it started pretty early in the morning.

5:05 a.m. i arrive at the DFW airport. i'm tired.

5:11 a.m. i hug my family who drove over 3 hours to see me off. my sister looked pretty tired due to some 3-a-days for softball. i get in line behind 8 people who had no idea they would have to pay for their extra luggage.

5:19 im still in line.

5:23 i check my bags and small talk with the family, which is almost awkward because its hard to talk normally when i know i'm not going to see them for at least 5-6 months maybe more. my stomach's starting to hurt a bit...

5:40 i hug everyone's neck at least 3 times telling them all bye and i love them. my dad prays for me while i'm hugging him. i hate saying the good byes but i hold it together. i hate it a lot.

5:43 i buy a starbucks coffee and my favorite magazine, "outside" to soothe some serious discontent. this is easily the hardest 2 minutes in the past month or two.

5:48 i notice i've been upgraded to first class to houston because i'm now an "elite status flyer." i'm proud of myself for a moment and then realize its because i've spent thousands of dollars and countless hours in the sitting position with my knees touching the seat in front of me. now i don't feel so proud of this title.

5:51 being an elite customer feels like being called "assistant to the regional manager."

6:00 a.m. i board and read "outside."

7:38 a.m. we land in houston.

7:42 i notice the couple behind me flew with three girls. all cute. all under 4 years old. anyone who flies with children is my hero. they were so patient and so fun the entire flight.

7:42:30 one girl begins to pout and im immediately glad i have no kids.

8:00 a.m. the people watching begins with the t-shirt tucked in very tightly to his jeans guy. i almost laugh out loud.

8:12 i debate whether of not to buy "the economist" magazine to catch up on global issues.

8:31 after a breakfast of chocolate milk and eggs i realize though i'm tired of flying, i never grow tired of airports. they are so alive and moving and intresting. they are like strange waiting rooms or something where everyone is there but hardly anyone is present. so strange...

8:45 i decide to try to lose 12 pounds.

8:46 i see cinnibon and forget what i was just thinking about.

8:50 i buy the economist and then board the airplane.

all things new...

2009-01-12T13:47:00.000-08:00

there's much to be said about god making all things new. much to be said.

this month has been a month of newness for me, but not because i've done loads of never-before-done things, although i did a few. its been a month of newness because the kingdom of god we live in makes old things new and alive again. how can i explain seeing tall pine trees and letting my mouth hang open looking up at east texas winter stars? i've heard my papaw talk about Jesus hundreds of times, but this christmas sitting around his chair with the family who knows best his struggle with cancer the tears came. conversations with cara and kirk and kerra have always meant much to me, but this week they were more and new and different.

God's kingdom is a kingdom of new beginnings and of retrying when we fail. its a life of restarting and getting back on track. and we receive these second and third chances every moment. we are made new with every exhale. its like he's constantly creating the kingdom with new possibilities around us as we live in it and try to grasp it with our lives. no wonder paul writes, "i'm not already perfect, but i press on to make it [jesus] my own, because jesus has made me his own."

and so our stories move forward starting over and over and over and over.

a deep, refreshing sigh

2008-12-30T14:32:00.000-08:00

i haven't written in a few days. i got home after a 20 something hour flight and almost cried seeing my dad and sister at the airport. i love my family. too much has happened to tell all the fun details and crazy stories... but i can say thank you to james kwon for coming to texas to visit. he was a champ through all the christmases and the family time and the drunk uncles and late night wild wings and the rocking out and broken drum sticks and cake balls and football games. what a great friend.

sometimes i forget how refreshing it is to talk with someone who knows you. its been nice. thanks james.

i got a few new books for christmas i think i'm really going to like. one is "what is the what." i've been wanting to buy it for months so i can't wait to enjoy it.

i don't have much else at the moment other than to say, i love texas accents. love.

me being me.

2008-12-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

well friends. i did a completely "austin evers" sort of thing last night. we had a roster of all the students that came to our christmas party this week. now, we aren't going to hound them or email them once a week, but its nice to be able to invite them to something like this again. so yeah, those sheets of paper... i washed them. yep. i washed them.

they are salvageable, but why does someone put that in their pocket anyway? and what kind of adult washes clothes without checking the pockets? good grief.

celebrate

2008-12-17T16:44:00.001-08:00

the christmas party went as well as i could've asked. we fed about 70 students total and got to have some good conversations with many of them. when i got home i couldn't sleep because i was thinking of all the things that might have gone a little better or that next time we'll do differently when I realized rather than do that i needed to celebrate. so here are a few things i celebrated...

1. students from all three colleges were at the dinner. around 10 from PIBC, 5 or so from GCC, and about 50 from UOG came to the dinner in the midst of their finals.

2. the cost was fairly resonable. the final figures aren't important for the blog, but we were able to spend less than i expected.

3. some of our churches were more than willing to help. a few churches sent people to help cook and serve, while others offered to do whatever we needed. it was very encouraging. i'm not used to working with a group of churches like this and am still learning how the college ministry is to bless them.

4. countless students said thank you to all of us. of course we didn't throw the party to hear thank yous, but it helped us see that they valued what we were doing enough to say it.

5. i learned more names.

this is just the quick starter list, but i figured i give the update. it reallly was a good night. thanks so much to all of you who gave encouragement throughout the past two weeks and those of you who were praying. ya'll mean so much to me. thanks. i celebrate you too.

on the eve of the party

2008-12-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

this is what happens to me the day before a ministry outreach event. or at least one that took more than a few days of planning...

i start to doubt the planning. today i've made probably 23 lists. one for shopping, one for shopping after the first shopping, one for the food needed, one for the help needed, one about the other day's activities, a check on these things list, a what can go wrong list, a how to fix the things that could go wrong list... it goes on and on. my mom says i have obsessive compulsive tendancies. i agree. now most of these lists are in my brain, but some find their way to paper.

then i begin to worry i'm not supposed to be in ministry. i don't pity myself, but i rethink my calling 18 times to make sure i'm not doing damage to the kingdom of god. most of the time i do this and then laugh... so i'm not trying to sound depressing.

after that i worry no one will show up. this is common with my friends too. we worry we'll be the only ones there with the volunteers. its a very real fear.

a few minutes later i pray like mad and am filled with a bit of hope. i usually yell out loud in my car, "please cure my unbelief!" and then again i laugh because i remember praying the same thing an hour ago and a week ago and a year ago.

then i relax for four minutes untill something new for list number 9 pops into my head and the hamster runs in the wheel again. but more frantically this time.

next i shop and worry i'm spending too much money on this or that. then i worry there won't be enough good to come out of something to spend such and such dollars. and again i get frantic and make a new list that starts with, "spend money wisely." then i inevitably forget to buy something and remember when i get into the truck. and a new list begins. then i curse myself for forgetting. then i wish i had a secretary. then my mind wonders and because i'm single and 25 i wish i had a very attractive secretary who liked me and wanted me to take her on dates.

then i think of fun dates.

after a few too many minutes of this i get back to making lists and praying wildly and wishing i was gfted with details and fearing no one will show up.

but in all this madness that is my brain, i love these days. they make me feel alive and crazy and funny and unique and nervous and stressed and afraid and and and... but the dinner and chrstmas party for college students is tomorrow. we're still praying that we make a contact with 150 students and make a real connection with dozens.

now, back to making lists.

the grinch and wisdom from a 6 year old

2008-12-11T21:49:00.000-08:00

i got up a little earlier than usual today so i could go hang out with some 1st graders for their class christmas party. the teacher is one of the "2nd mothers" i have out here in guam. 1st graders are fun. they are loud and they move a lot and they just kinda say what comes to mind. i read the grinch stole christmas and enjoyed the commentary from the kids more than the actual book i think. when the grinch's heart "grew three sizes that day" one little girl said in the sweetest voice, "aw see, he's really good." i loved it. and i cant stop thinking about her comment.

who would have thought a slave trader could write amazing grace? who would have given the gospel to the lead persecuter of the church? augustine wasn't exactly wholesome. my friend kirk and i weren't exactly humble (i don't think i am at this point either). and yet i don't really pray for my enemies. now, i mean enemies on both the large and small scale, internationally and those who just don't like our college ministry. why have we forgotten that little command from Jesus? i've heard prayers and wishes for judgement on our enemies, but not much prayer for their good.

maybe we don't pray for our enemies because we can't see some of them. maybe we don't because we call them, "people we can't stand" or "the muslim" or "the liberal" or "the fundamentalist." maybe we don't want God to grow their hearts three sizes today.

christmas party

2008-12-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

we are getting closer to our christmas dinner at the dorms. we found out yesterday that we won't be able to have a live band due to dorm quiet hours during finals, i don't know why i didn't think of that. i guess its been a few years since i took a final. but anyway, we are gearing up to meet hopefully 150 students. the dorm directors and RAs seem glad to have us there and keep asking why we want to throw a party for them. its been a great opertunity to serve...

so, please be praying for us and our relationships with the students and university this week. i really want to end the year on a good note. and i know its not a magic number, but we would like to feed around 150 students.

pizza and contentment

2008-12-06T05:58:00.001-08:00

today i had a wonderful reminder of why i enjoy college ministry so much. we are planning a christmas party for the dorms in 10 days or so, and tonight a few of our leading students came to the house to eat some pizza and brainstorm for the party.

we ate some really good pizza (pepperonis with jalapinos (sp?)) and had some great laughs, but what i loved the most was the excitement in the room as we threw around both good and bad ideas. some say there are no bad ideas. i disagree. i had some bad ones tonight but am lucky enough to work with students who don't mind disagreement in a healthy way. we sat around my small living room for over 2 hours dreaming and laughing and planning and growing more and more excited about ministry with college students. i really think we are learning how God wants college ministry to look here in guam.

as we prayed after good discussion i felt very content. its honestly one of the first times i've felt content on guam, but thats what rushed into my brain and heart and self sitting there in my floor. i like what i'm doing. i like college students. i like Jesus for letting my job be him and them. and hopefully we'll get to throw a good party for over 100 college students in a few days.

thanks and thanksgiving

2008-11-29T19:09:00.000-08:00

I love thanksgiving more than the other holidays. My soul feels healthy to not only be thankful but to try to act out this thankfulness. So in the spirit of the holiday, I want to list some things God has brought to mind this week I’m deeply thankful for.

1. I’m so very thankful I got to go to the Johnson’s for thanksgiving. They were gracious and fun. I ate too much and laughed too hard. I’m deeply grateful they adopted me into their family for the day.

2. I’m thankful that Jesus makes all things new. He makes broken things whole again. He mends torn hopes and breathes life into us when we feel lifeless. When we feel lost he finds us. When we are on the wrong path he rights us. He restores. And he’s doing these things for me as my fingers hit these keys. I’m so thankful.

3. I’m thankful for pepperoni pizza. No explanation is needed.

4. I’m deeply thankful I’m able to go home this year for Christmas. I don’t think I can express to my parents and sister how badly I need them or how much I love them. I’m ready for some Bebe time and the pork chops that come with it.

5. I’m very very thankful for my friends in Austin (and that I’ll see the three of them very soon). I can’t tell Kirk Gentzel how great a friend he’s been to me, especially in the last 6 months. I wish I had the words. I’ll get to watch an old movie with Cara, listen to Christmas music with David, hug both Woodards, and eat Christmas dinner with James kwon. I’m a lucky guy. I mean it.

6. I’m thankful for the scenery only found on an island in the south pacific. Its beautiful even when I don’t notice.

Of course I could go on and on. I really am blessed more than I deserve.

missing home thanks to emerson

2008-11-23T03:44:00.000-08:00

I read a poem last night that caught my attention. In “early poems of Ralph Waldo Emerson” I read one of my favorites called “Berrying.”

“ ‘may be true what I had heard,
Earth’s a hallowing wilderness
Truculent with fraud and force,’
Said I, strolling through the pastures,
And along the riverside.
Caught among the blackberry vines,
Feeding on the Ethiops sweet,
Pleasant fancies overtook me:
I said, ‘With influence me preferred
Elect to dreams thus beautiful?’
The vines replied, ‘And didst thou deem
No wisdom to our berries went?’ “

This poem is so nostalgic to me. I remember as a kid walking with my dad down our dirt road to pick blackberries for my Bebee. As we would walk my dad would talk to me like a friend, or maybe like a dad friend. And he would tell me how to be a man. He told me to always pick flowers for ladies and to look out for snakes in the grass. He told me to say yes sir and to look at someone when they are talking to you. He taught me how to find a ripe blackberry and how to let one stay on the vine. And I remember these lessons.

I remember looking at the woods we walked in with wonder at the unknown inside them, and I remember the peace that overwhelmed this uneasiness knowing my dad was there walking with me. He knew the way. Since he knew the way I was free to enjoy the woods and the berries and the smells of pine trees. My imagination could roam around the bushes and listen to the bugs talk to each other like they usually did in my 8 yr old brain. Reading this poem tonight indeed, “pleasant fancies overtook me.”

go west young man.

2008-11-17T23:26:00.000-08:00

I was reading some of “on the road” on the plane ride to Guam from Hawaii when a section caught my attention. He has this dream to hitchhike west across the country and spends the entire first day riding north and south. Out of frustration he says,

“chatter-chatter blah-blah, and me swearing for all the time and the money I’d wasted, and telling myself, I wanted to go west and here I’ve been all day and into the night going up and down, north and south, like something that can’t get started.”

When I read this my heart sank. In his mind and heart and self the man dreamed to go west, but he couldn’t get going, couldn’t get started on his journey even though he had set out for it. when I look at myself honestly I worry I feel the same way sometimes. I worry that in my hopes to change the world, these unsolid, indefinable hopes of engaging the world with something valuable and unselfish and good, I worry I’m “going up and down, north and south, like something that can’t get started.” And then I read about the life of Jesus,

“when the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face like flint to go to Jerusalem… but the people did not receive him because his face was set toward Jerusalem.”

He made up his mind to do something grand. He resolved in his self to do what he was made to do. And so to Jerusalem he went. He accomplished his goal. Love won. This resolve is so attractive to me. So attractive and foreign and reachable maybe… but I feel like I’m at times floundering like something that can’t quite get started, can’t get the momentum it needs, can’t find the flint set face.

So this is my prayer: Jesus, I want to follow you now. Right now. I want to move toward you and change the world with you right now. Enough moving up and down, north and south, enough of these things that hinder my journey. Enough. Please give me the wisdom to find the paths you set in my life and the resolve to follow you through them with my heart as well as my mind. I want to truly get started. Help me.

the steam smelled funny

2008-11-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

i just got to go take pictures of an active volcano. i didn't get to see any lava and the gasses were spewing pretty serious so we couldn't go close at all, but i took some pictures. it was incredible. i also stood in some steam from steam vents. it smelled funny.

i remember being intrigued with volcanoes when i was a kid. i saw a clay volcano errupt vinegar and baked soda in a classroom and immediately checked out any book with a volcano on the cover. the volcano phase was just after the dinosaur phase and just before the sharks. but anyway, i always wanted to see one in person. and today, 18 years later, i got to hang out in volcano national park.

we want homework!

2008-11-09T21:12:00.000-08:00

i've started teaching a bible study for the latte treatment centers here in guam. tonight i'll go to the youth house and hang out with some 11-17 yr olds. last week was my first week there so i asked what they wanted me to do to help them learn about jesus and the bible. did they want movie clips, narratives, an outline...? their answer really surprised me. they wanted homework. i'm not making it up. a few students actually said they wanted me to print off questions so they could answer them during the week and "know the passage better." and these are youth with severe behavior issues. they want homework.

one of the kids said something profound as we started the bible study last week. he's the youngest kid in the house and supposedly can be pretty difficult. as i started to talk about the prodigal son, he leaned in toward me and said, "you know, i'm not familiar with God." i was struck with his honestly and answered, "well, at least you're a self aware man. sometimes i don't feel very familiar with God either. but thats what i'm hear for. lets get familiar with God together." wasn't that a wonderful way to describe our hearts? its hard to love someone you aren't familiar with.

and when we're honest with ourselves, i hope we don't think we've grown so familiar with God that we are content. i don't want to lose the wonder as i gain "familiarity." i want to be as taken aback as the youth when i told them God wants them in the family like the father wanted the prodigal son. i want to be intrigued with Jesus's words. and i'm thinking that if we REALLY became "familiar with God" we couldn't help but be intrigued and surprised and excited and confused and happy and frustrated and hopeful.

election thoughts

2008-11-04T21:57:00.001-08:00

so, the election... i'm not ashamed to say i was happy with the outcome, although i thought neither candidate was incapable or evil. i just read donald miller's blog and was relieved to hear him articualte so well a few of my concerns and thoughts (though many were new to me and very insightful). i haven't checked out his blog in a long time.

something has bothered me throughout the day however. speaking of the house and senate all I've heard is "who will gain CONTROL over" either. that word makes something in my stomach twinge and turn. why do we americans have to have a controller? why isn't it enough to say someone has won, and why even do we use this word for the party with the most reps? why don't we rather say "democrats have a great INFLUENCE in the senate" or better yet, "the democrats now have a great oppertunity to SERVE in the house." why must things always be about control and power and winning?

and i wonder about the church's role in changing the way we see power. i wonder openly if we are just adding fuel to this fire named power. do we want to control our country as christians or do we want to influse it with the hope and service and love of the Jesus we say we follow?

ive never heard of it. it wasn't a major conflict in my nations history was it?

2008-11-02T22:56:00.000-08:00

Our college group cooked pancakes for one of the dorms on campus Saturday morning. We’ve finally been allowed to minister openly on campus, so we tried to get this opportunity as soon as we could. We had a nice little info card from my friend James Kwon, pancakes, and enough syrup to drown a college student.

I’ve never felt like a nervous person. I mean, I get stressed out about things, but I usually don’t deal with really heavy nerves before speaking or an event like this or whatever. Oh, not Friday night. I couldn’t fall asleep. I hadn’t had time to go get the groceries and wasn’t sure how many students were coming to help from PIBC or how many students we’d get to meet. I was a wreck. I dreamed about the morning going badly twice and woke up three times during the night. At 4:00 a.m. I told myself that they would in fact have pancake mix at payless supermarket and tried to go back to sleep. At 6:10 I told myself I wouldn’t burn the pancakes and that they would have the milk and eggs needed when I went shopping. When I woke up again at 6:40 I decided to get up and go shop just in case.

I bought the pancake batter and other supplies (payless didn’t disappoint) making my way back home still with a knot in my stomach. I had our rave cards. I had the groceries. I had the griddles. I had my pants on. What was there left to be nervous about?

So I got to the college, picked up the PIBC students to help, and started cooking some pancakes. All in all the day went well. We served maybe 30-45 students and had some cool conversations. I got to talk to two guys almost the entire time students were there and only made a fool of myself once. One of the guys was from Vietnam. When I asked him where he was from I couldn’t understand his response, after asking twice I just said, “I haven’t heard of that. Where exactly is it?” He and his friend looked at me and politely said Asia. Hahah! About an hour later I asked again and understood he said Vietnam and was able to correct the blunder, which made us laugh for a good 3 minutes. They were concerned for the tall white American who hadn’t heard of Vietnam.

So now I may not be such a nervous wreck for the next pancake brunch. I know payless has pancakes. I know our campus group will show up to cook. I know students want to eat. And I know where Vietnam is.

quote of the month 2

2008-10-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my friend Alicia hounding me about her favorite book 8 months ago, I’m finally reading “on the road.” Her and her dad swear by the book, so I thought I’d give it a chance. So far I’m intrigued. A few pages in Kerouac sucked me in with this quote…

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’ ”

I love it. I can’t help but think of other quotes from authors begging not their readers, but their own selves to live. And I think of Jesus offering “life that is truly life” to the downtrodden, disadvantaged, depressed, and despised of his day. I’m sure to them his life looked much like a “fabulous yellow roman candle exploding like spiders across the stars.” Thanks to Mr. Kerouac for an encouraging quote this weekend.

saipan good baptist church

2008-10-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

i got to take a one day trip to saipan on monday. its a bit smaller than guam and about 150 miles north. we flew in on a small prop plane and visited with a korean pastor most of the day.

the pastor and his congregation minister to a unique group of ladies on the island. there are / were a few garment factories (glorified sweatshops) on saipan which hired chinese ladies to work 12-14 hours days. they were paid $3 an hour before taking their food and housing the factory provided. they actually made between $.80 and $1.70 an hour. this church takes seriously the call to love and fight for the least of these...

the pastor and his wife teach these women in a life skills school at night from 10:00pm and 2:30am so they can get better jobs when they get back to china. they also provide food and clothing for many of the women. when the garment factory closed down early this year, the owners left the women stranded without enough money to get back to their country. the visas they had were restricted to that specific factory, so the ladies were left without money, the ability to work legally, and a place to live.

the church stepped in and began helping these women with visas and finding them jobs. they provide food and limited housing the best they can as well. i don't know how to tell you how refreshing and wonderful it was to sit and talk with this family living out the way of the kingdom of God. They've seen many of these women come to faith in christ, but they've seen even more helped and loved by their church. matthew 25 is a way of life for this congregation.

someone may hit me with a hammer??

2008-10-19T03:14:00.000-07:00

i sat down with a fellow texan today to talk about possibly doing a weekly bible study for a recovery center. the center has two campuses, one is for kids and youth with severe anger issues and non-compliance problems along with rehabilitation from abuse and tragedy. the other center is for adults who have been placed in their care because of serious drug addiction in the past or mentle illness or anger management problems.

we were talking about different ministry experiences i'd had in the past and what i liked to do blah blah blah... when the guy asked me a very interesting set of questions.

Q: how would you feel if someone hallucinated in the middle of your bible study?

a: umm... i would be confused, but i suppose i would move on if the person didn't need to be calmed down. is that the right answer?

Q: sure. and what if the adults had to take serious drugs to keep them from experiencing bouts of intense mental illness?

A: umm... man, i... i guess thats good. as long as the drugs are perscribed correctly, i mean, i don't know.

Q: and would you be okay if while you were teaching someone had to physically restrain a patient because he got violent... some people don't like that, but what if like... he wanted to hit you with a hammer?

A: what?

Q: well, i mean, some people don't like the idea of physically restraining clients or patients. they say it bothers them. would you be okay with that?

(seriously? would i be okay if someone stopped a guy from hitting me with a hammer?)

A: yes. i would be okay with that. in fact, i would feel the need myself to stop someone from trying to hurt me or someone else. is that going to happen?

GUY: good answer. i just wanted to make sure it wouldn't scare you if someone happened to lash out or something. some people just don't like that kind of thing...

ME: well yeah, i mean... not many people like that i guess... but is someone going to try to hit me with a hammer?

GUY: oh no. its cool. so do you want to come and see the center this week?

even looking at the conversation written out i laugh. i'm sure he was just exagerating with the hammer thing, but seriously? he said it in a "example" type of tone and all, but geez. all kidding aside, i'm excited about the possibilities of working with the Latte Center. from the hour long conversation we had today i imagine these guys and girls would have been some following Jesus everywhere he went. and i imagine when Jesus said "least of these" he was talking about people like this. people that've had a rough hand dealt to them or some at the end of the rope with little reason to hang on. i bet we have some great conversations about the life of Jesus.

an old man and a hard day

2008-10-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

I met an old man in the aids hospice one afternoon. I prayed for him and asked if he wanted lotion on his feet as he began to tell me his story. He explained that his wife was from the city and he from the country. Now there’s even more of a difference between the rural and urban cultures in South Africa than America. So this man tells me that his wife worked at times in the city and would travel there often. He was a trusting man he said with disappointment across his face. He called himself a trusting and foolish man.

His wife had multiple affairs in the city and contracted HIV. Then she gave it to him. And now he was in a hospice slowly leaving. He did nothing wrong. He was faithful. He was a simple man in a rural town like my own hometown, and he trusted his wife to be his wife. And she gave him an incurable virus. She killed him.

He didn’t seem angry anymore. His bitterness had turned into disappointment and shame. His sadness made him tired. And I’m sad I don’t remember his name.

The time I spent in the Dream Center wasn’t always hopeful. It gave me the glasses to see the human condition when bleak. And I didn’t like it. It was hard enough to go home after throwing a pizza party with some 25 year olds and hearing a girl say she knew God was reaching out for her. But when we would visit people with no hope, people with shame that covered their lives and their words and their reasons and their selves, well, its just hard to shake it off or know how to feel. Some days were like this.

quote of the month...

2008-10-12T18:36:00.000-07:00

I just finished a wonderful book I’m ashamed I haven’t read sooner. Richard Wright’s “Black Boy” is his 1945 autobiography of growing up in a spiritually abusive home in a racially abusive south trying to venture to a politically abusive Chicago. Please read this book. My favorite quote or thought was on page 272-273.

“for the anti-negro attitude of whites represents but a tiny part—though a symbolically significant one—of the moral attitude of the nation. Our too-young and too-new America, lusty because it is lonely, aggressive because it is afraid, insists upon seeing the world in terms of good and bad, the holy and the evil, the high and the low, the white and the black; our America is frightened of fact, of history, of process, of necessity. It hugs the easy way of damning those it cannot understand, of excluding those who look different, and it salves its conscience with a self-draped cloak of righteousness. Am I damning my native land? No; for I, too, share these faults of character! And I really do not think that America, adolescent and cocksure, a stranger to suffering and travail, an enemy of passion and sacrifice, is ready to probe into its most fundamental beliefs.”

Haunting words. And in 60+ years I realize we have moved forward in ways my 25 year old life cannot remember or understand, but I also know we have a long way to go. Hearing the terms and catch-phrases of our coming election while watching the world react to us as we seek to spread our “rightness” of living shows that we still “salve our conscience with self draped cloak(s) or righteousness…”

And like Wright, I notice too often that I have the same faults at the core of my character.

Duncan thoughts

2008-10-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

After I heard Duncan had died, I was torn between wanting to stay away from the Dream Center and wanting to go everyday and sleep in the empty rooms downstairs. The next visit went okay I think. I don’t remember anything striking happening, but I remember not being able to get the picture of a grown man in a 95 pound body curled up crying while throwing up in his bed pan out of mind.

So I walked around in angst. I didn’t know how to talk to a patient who’s end was going to look a lot like Duncan’s. I didn’t know how to pray with anyone. I didn’t feel like I had anything to offer anyone in the Dream Center, South Africa, or anywhere for that matter. And then I read a parable from Jesus and a page from one of my favorite books.

The parable is this:

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells ALL THAT HE HAS and buys that field.”

The quote from the book is this:

“We have betrayed the message that the kingdom of God is available for all, beginning with the least and the last and the lost – and have instead believed and taught that the kingdom of God is available for the elite, beginning with the correct and the clean and the powerful.”

I don’t know that I had some great, empowering revelation… but I know I decided to hope. I decided to not only love, but HOPE FOR the “least and the last and the lost.” The new life and kingdom of God happening all around them and me is a “treasure hidden in a field” after all.

Duncan

2008-10-08T04:23:00.000-07:00

Duncan introduced me to the pain of aids. I feel so ignorant and foolish and ashamed to type this, but for some reason I didn’t know aids killed people painfully. Before my six weeks in South Africa I thought aids killed people quietly, at worst in a tough bout of pneumonia. I didn’t know viruses and bacteria would eat away leg muscles and eye sight. I didn’t know tuberculosis was waiting in the eves to hurt lungs. I didn’t know eating was almost impossible in the final months because of stomach pains and vomiting. I didn’t know infections attacked the entire body unchecked, hurting internal organs and skin and bones and the mind. I didn’t know these things, or if I did I hadn’t seen it first hand.

Before we walked in Duncan’s room we could hear him moaning and struggling to breath. As I entered his room I saw him shaking on the bed curled up in a ball. He looked about the size of a 6th grader curled up on his twin size bed. He smelled terrible. His roommates wouldn’t look at him. One was trying to read and the other lay on his side looking at the other wall. I can honestly say I didn’t know what to do. When I tried to touch him he flinched and contorted. When we spoke to him he just groaned and shook.

He started to cry and mumbled something in zulu. We asked his roommates what he was saying, but they couldn’t even understand him until he had repeated it for 2 minutes louder and louder. One of his roommates said without looking up from his book, “he needs to vomit right away.” “Where is a bucket?” I asked and starting looking around his room. “Where is the bucket he needs?” I looked in the cabinets and under the small sink and under his bed. “Its under his bed.” The man said over the cover of his book. “I don’t see it… all that’s under his bed is his bedpan.” The man put his book down and said matter of factly, “that’s what we use. It is our bucket. We always vomit in those.”

So I picked up his bedpan and watched him throw up in his bloody urine stained bucket. It was terrible. We had to put the Duncan's bedpan against his cheek so he didn’t have to raise his body. He didn’t have much to throw up because he couldn’t eat. When he was done he lay in a ball crying.

We prayed for him and his pain and sat next to him on his bed. The only visitors Duncan had 2 days before he died were 3 white Americans holding a bedpan for him to vomit. I was overwhelmed with sadness while my friends prayed. I had nothing to say. I didn’t know how to articulate my fear and frustration and… I don’t know. Even thinking about him on my yellow couch here in Guam makes me confused and shocked and sad. He looked alone. Because I love, like, and believe on Jesus I hope and believe Jesus was near. But in all honestly I had a hard time seeing him and his kingdom while Duncan threw up in a bedpan. it was a hard day.

so much cheese you can't tell its pizza

2008-10-02T20:35:00.001-07:00

on the way back to the dreamcenter a buddy and i went to the local pizza place and picked up a few cheese pizzas. i told the lady working the counter they needed to be loaded with "so much cheese you can't tell its pizza." after a strange look and less than $20 i had fuel for a party in hand.

she had asked me not to forget her zulu bible so i didn't. we arrived to her room with a bible or two and a few pizzas. as we walked in stinbille sat up with wide eyes and asked,

"what do you have in those boxes??"

i answered, "what do you think is in these boxes? its pizza!!"

her immediate response was, "what kind? what kind of pizza did you bring?"

"so much cheese you can't tell its pizza." i answered with a grin.

she closed her eyes laying back on her bed and gave a smiling sigh. with eyes still closed she almost whispered, "i prayed for pizza. is it okay to pray for cheese pizza?"

you know, i'm so glad she prayed for pizza. i'm so glad she was shown Jesus is concerned with her present, with the little details, with pizza dinners for 20 year olds, with her. i'm so glad he showed he loved and cared and even LIKED her. and oh my goodness we had a fun pizza party. they asked me to go get their friend a few rooms down because she couldn't roll herself in her wheelchair. when i came back we ate pizza, played music a little too loudly and even danced a little. my friend and i were the only ones dancing on our feet, but there was dancing from everyone. we acted like normal college aged young adults. we weren't sick or depressed or bedridden or aids patients. we were friends eating pizza.

after the party i cleaned up and noticed the four ladies didn't quite eat three pieces of pizza together, and a rush of reality made me sad... but what was the ultimate reality? was the depression or the joy of the party the reality? were the shrunken stomachs or the dancing arms with pizza in hand the true story? so we see the movement of the kingdom of God. its like a daisey in the dark or a pizza party in a hospice. it doesn't screem for attention but isn't easily missed. its here and its now and its lovely.

and often, its vehicle can be a cheese pizza or two.

prequel to a pizza party

2008-09-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

one day in the dreamcenter i visited a group of young ladies sharing a room. they were all between 23-28 years old and seemed as healthy as one could be staying in a hospice. i met them and tried to start conversation with a lady named stinbille.

i made the embarrassing and typical mistake a western, white, healthy, shallow kid makes and asked the question,

"how are you?"

as it exited my mouth i mentally reached for the words with open fingers to grab them before they did any damage. i couldn't get them back. she shot her eyes at me coldly and said,

"im laying her in an aids hospice. how do you think im feeling?"

her words hit home. "im so sorry" i stammered, but she turned away and looked at the wall. my buddy and translator came to the rescue...

"do you want to get out of here?" he asked.

i looked at him like he was crazy. this question may have been worse than mine, but he knew what he was doing. she fired back angrily, "what do you think?! of course i want out of this terribly place. are you going to get me out?" he asked again, "do you pray to be out of here? do you wish and dream and hope to be out of here?" and when she quietly said yes he smiled the biggest smile ive ever seen, plopped down on her little bed and asked, "and what would be the first thing you would do?"

"i would hug my baby girl."

when we saw the picture of her little daughter in braids and beads we both laughed and told her she was beautiful. the picture being passed between us even helped her forget my stupid asinine question. i asked what she would do next thinking she might kiss her mother or jump up and down or watch her favorite movie. but her answer was better. her answer connected us forever.

"i would eat a pizza."

i nearly jumped up and yelled back, "me too!! thats EXACTLY what i would do!!" she grinned and asked me how much i liked pizza and thus started the 15 minute discussion of pizza loves, joys, and intregues. it was great. i asked what kind of pizza she would order and her response was simple. "cheese pizza... so much cheese you can't tell its a pizza!" and so we began a friendship through pizza.

after 10 more minutes of food talk she asked me what i was doing visiting them. i explained that we just wanted to enjoy thier company and let them know they weren't alone. i told her we were also telling stories about our hope, the person Jesus. she asked me to tell her a story before i left and we talked about mary and martha. she was great. she exclaimed with a frustrated face, "why was she doing the dishes?! Jesus is in her house! you must sit and listen if Jesus is in your house!" i agreed, laughed, and tried to explain Jesus's presence in the dreamcenter. honestly, i didn't do a very good job explaining, but she asked if i could visit again and bring her a bible in zulu. when i told her yes and got up to leave she looked me right in the eyes, kindof into me if thats possible and said,

"do not forget to come again, and don't forget the bible. people say they will do things and they forget. do not forget."

so i haven't. and i can't.

refocus

2008-09-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

my mentor and boss came to guam last week. i really needed to be refocused and find my love for students and ministry again. we ate great food, snorkeled, toured guam a bit, and laughed a ton. a vision for collegiate ministry here on guam is forming in my brain and i'm starting to fianlly think about someone other than myself.

thanks a ton john.

grape sodas and hope... the last conversation

2008-09-24T05:07:00.000-07:00

the last time i saw phumzille she was laying in bed on her back looking through me while i read to her in broken zulu. she had asked me to come by and read, so i did. she couldn't speak. she couldn't smile. her breathing was labored beyond what i thought her little body could perform. i hate to write this because im ashamed i noticed, but she smelled like bile and old urine. the room felt and smelled and looked like hopelessness... but we didn't let it swallow us. we read together. we read of Jesus and his hope. we read about a man who came to save and not condemn. we read a story that changed our lives. we read in broken zulu but not in minor tone. i cried a little and held her hand while she breathed and tried to whisper.

she died a few days later. i hope i wasn't the only one who cried. i walked in her room and the bed was made. the sheets were pulled tightly around the matress. i was told she had died like one might be told a friends pet had run away, and only after she started to walk away did the nurse stop and talk about phuzille like she was a person. and she wasn't just a person. she was a girl. and she was a funny girl. and she was a funny girl who liked to be read to. and she was a funny girl who liked to be read to while having lotion rubbed on her feet. and she was found. and she liked who she was becoming more than she hated who she used to be. and she was pretty. and she didn't eat her dinner because the smell made her sick. and her story is still beginning. and she liked grape soda.

grape sodas and hope... part 2

2008-09-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

as i visited Phumzille i began to notice her body deteriorating quickly. she was in the advanced stages of aids and losing weight. she had contracted tuberculosis as a result and was noticeably weaker every visit. in the dreamcenter single rooms were given to the patients most ill. the doctors did this to keep the healthier patients from losing hope, but it also isolates the most desperate patients while they are dragged slowly toward death. before too long getting a grape soda didn't make phumzille smile and she would have problems staying alert or speaking. a few visits consisted of me holding one hand and bonghani, my friend and translator, holding the other while we told her stories, put lotion on her feet, read to her, and prayed with her. she wanted to play cards once, but didn't have the strength to hold 5 cards in her hands. these were painful visits.

on one of these visits she felt like she had the energy to talk with us. she was quiet for a long time and then began with, "i told God i wanted him close to me. and he has answered my prayers. we are talking and he is near me while i lay here all day. he helps me be more happy as i look out my window." i don't really know how to type what her weak voice sounded like saying such beautiful words. bonghani and i sat mouths open while the tears welled up; i wasn't able to say much, but we gripped her hands more tightly and watched her smile. she began to explain how she had lived a life of rebellion against her mother and God and even the friends closest to her. she felt for a long time that she deserved hiv and went into a pretty serious depression before being brought to the dreamcenter. our guilt is a strange and dangerous thing. i know our guilt dealt with in healthy ways can bring us to Jesus or our families to ask for forgiveness, but our guilt fed by sickness and helplessness and shame can lead to giving up. instead of conviction leading to forgiveness, guilt led to hopelessness with phumzille.

after she told us God had been close to her lately we began to talk about his forgiveness and his willingness to clean us up. i'm sure we read some psalms to her about God separating sin as far as the east and west or maybe we read Jesus's promises to restore, but i don't really remember. i just remember getting to tell her God is a good father who wants to forgive and give hope. he didn't think she was a bad child but wanted to be close to her again. we all grinned and laughed during these light conversations because the weights were being lifted off. this conversation in particular lifted my own weights of disappointment and shame and distance form Jesus and his love for me. i realized for myself that he was indeed close and willing, he was ready to forgive and start anew with us.

grape sodas and hope... part 1

2008-09-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

The day I met Phumzille in the hospice, she may have weighed 85 pounds. Her smile and facial expressions reminded me of my sister Lakyn. The more I visited, the more honest our conversations became, and after getting her sodas while laughing at some translation problems, the talks turned to Jesus. I told her I was visiting the hospice to learn about real friendships and love and hope. I told her I wanted to watch Jesus do great things. One afternoon she began telling me what God was starting to do in her heart the past few days. I recorded a little bit of the conversation roughly in my journal…

“she began to tell me she thought God was reaching out to her and that she should reach back. How beautiful... I got to share the acts 17 passage with her about Paul telling the areopagus that God set the places were we should live ‘so that they might SEEK HIM, for he is NOT FAR from each one of us.’ I got to tell her finding God and having him close to me was the thing that gave me joy in life and that this joy overwhelms circumstances. As we talked about Jesus in the hospice room with her bloody urine in a bag beside us and her uneaten food between us, I realized I was having one of the more meaningful and enjoyable conversations in my life. Truly Jesus pierces our helplessness with light and life. He walks in the aids hospice and meets the most tired of hearts…”

I went on to tell her that God’s presence was not far away but in the hospice room with her. The kingdom of God, the “dance of God”, I said, is happening all around us. This interaction between God and people is ready to steal us away, ready to make us new. He wants to give us hope and joy and company and rest and peace even in these dark hard places. He wants us to reach for him, because he’s certainly reaching for us. I loved telling her God wasn’t a stranger to aids hospices and broken bodies. As we talked we began to inch toward each other and our voices got lower, almost to a whisper. Its as if we were saying secret thing, things if said “from the rooftops” might evaporate or become trite or wrong. We weren’t trying to be dramatic, its almost as if we were saying delicate words. I whispered about the dance of God and its hope as she grinned and whispered back. There were no trite words shared, no minor tones, no empty hopes... just honest conversation.

I’m smiling as I type thinking about her small, emaciated body and her wide, closed eyed smile as she thought about God reaching out to her. She broke my heart and made it beat loudly in the same conversation that day. She was one of my favorite people to have a grape soda with.

remember remember...

2008-09-15T02:23:00.000-07:00

for the next few days / weeks i'm going to be reading through my journal i took with me to africa a few years ago. i want to relearn or remember the things i saw God do and what i learned on the 6 week trip. for the next weeks i'm going to try writing some of the stories from the hospice... some may not interest anyone but me, but i want to work through some of those hard questions again. i want to remember. i'm reading through the psalms right now and have been reminded to remember remember remember. so that's what i want to do.

i'm sure i'll interrupt this blog series ("blog series" can only be written by a huge nerd i'm sure, but i swear im not trying to be presumptuous) when i do something stupid i want to tell everyone about or when we move forward significantly in the college ministry, but i want to focus on the people i met in the hospice and how i saw the kingdom of heaven move in those hallways and rooms.

maybe i'll better understand this "at hand" kingdom Jesus teaches about.

sometimes i roll my eyes at myself

2008-09-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

our college fellowship last night went well. it wasn't life changing, but it wasn't disappointing either. there were 10 or so bible college students and 4 from university of guam, making about 16 of us all together counting me and the faculty advisors. we prayed together, shared a little about our lives, i shared a short talk, and we discussed my hopes for the ministry. a few funny things hapened i wanted to share with you:

1. i was late. yep, me. i know my friends in ct can't imagine that, but its true. the college minister who invited everyone to the get together was late. one of my friends called and needed help getting her buddy's car out of the middle of the street. i went to help and didn't make it back before some students got there. its only just this second that it seems humerous to me.

2. i, like my friend kirk, spilled water on the front of my pants before giving the mini-message.

3. it gets dark in guam just like all other normal parts of the world. we met outside this first time and since i was late it got dark by the time we tried reading out of our bibles.

4. kfc took forever giving me the chicken for the meal. all that was going on in my head was the sandlot quote "4...e...ver. 4...e...ver."

5. once i got into my truck after getting the chicken, my truck died. i swore and prayed (cancelling each other out im sure) and it got me home.

6. i think i creeped out a freshman guy. i told him i wanted to buy him lunch this week forgetting that outside of some church and ministry circles its not super normal to do that. he looked confused, but maybe because im bigger than him he said ok. he seems real cool.

all in all the night was intresting to say the least. hopefully we'll have club status on the campus soon and will be able to have meetings like that at uog. thats what we're praying for.

like a good neighbor...

2008-09-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

there might only be one thing on this island that i love. now i am of course trying to love Jesus and people and all that, but as far as objects or things to do... i love one thing. i love riding my bike here. im still out of shape and im sure i look like a dork trying to pedal uphills or beat my time, but i really like riding around. i don't have a favorite restaraunt, i don't have a favorite spot to think, i don't have close friends yet, but i have my bicycle...

and now that one thing is wrecked.

i had a bike wreck. the bike is injured. my knee is still bleeding 20 hourse later. my ego is shot. the one thing i love is broken. i know im dramatic, but this was a dramatic event.

i was riding in the rain, which i know is stupid, but i hadn't gotten to ride in 3 days because we are in the middle of rainy season. so i took the bike out after a great day. i was riding in the shoulder going down a hill when i hit the edge of a serious bump and the bike hit the ground. and since my feet are clipped into the pedals, i joined the bike on the pavement. i was only going about 25, but i slid a long way. i did all i could not to slide into the lane beside me, but a guy still had to swerve to make sure he didn't run over me. i cussed. i laid there on the white lane line and started a "cynical bruised ego laugh" and noticed a truck pulled off the road beside me.

the guy who swerved out of the lane so as not to hurt me worse had stopped. "are you okay man? that looked terrible!" was yelled out of his window as i started standing up. i told him i was okay but that my bike looked beat up and he offered to give me a ride back home. i told him thanks about 20 times and tried really hard not to get blood on his truck. he told me the story of how i looked crashing 3 or 4 times and of course it got worse everytime. he was good at telling the story and made me laugh out loud. it was so nice of him to stop. it made me think about the parable of the good samaritan and the question posed to Jesus, "who is my neighbor?" Jesus flipped the question around and redifines the guy's veiw of neighbor. rather than tell the man who his neighbors are, he tells him how a neighbor acts. he seems to tell the guy to BE a neighbor. jesus turns the question on its head and doesn't give a minimum to the man, rather, he gives a new way... going the extra mile for anyone, even an enemy.

this story has been bouncing around in my brain since john dropped me off and told me he hoped we would never meet under the same circumstances. he reminded me how to be a neighbor and how to place someone elses needs before my own. my legs may be bandaged a little and my bike in the shop, but i met a man who understands how to be a neighbor.

i don't have a title for these thoughts

2008-09-04T17:32:00.000-07:00

This post probably has no spiritual significance whatsoever… but I want to express a deep and serious issue of my heart. I want to talk about something that we unfortunately let off the hook. Today I came face to face with one of the more vile and awful ideas of our time. This issue and current evil goes unnoticed and unchecked in our society. And what is the deep and gratuitous evil you may ask?

The bathroom key.

That’s right, I am exposing this corruption for what it is. I hate the bathroom key. I hate it. Hate. I have my reasons, and because I’m me, I’ll list them in a top 5 format.

1. They are hygienically disgusting. Seriously, when is a bathroom key touched? People touch the bathroom key before (hopefully not during) and after using the bathroom. I don’t want to go into much more detail, but seriously… its probably the most germ infested key in the world. I worry my hand is growing an eye ball as I walk to the bathroom.

2. You can never tell when you are going to have to use one. These blasted keys sneak up on you when you least expect it. There you are needing desperately to go to the restroom, you search and search for the toilet, and find its locked. You wait and wait, but no one is inside. And just before you explode from pain and anguish, you realize you have to go get the *&%# key.

3. I feel stupid carrying one around. You know, if I wanted to announce to everyone in the bookstore that I was about to pee I would just stand up and say, “hey everyone, I need to make an announcement. I have tried holding it for an unbearable amount of time and am now too uncomfortable to read. I have to go number 1. I just thought everyone should know. Thank you and goodnight.”

4. They look ridiculous. For some reason every bathroom key I’ve encountered has some strange attachment. Its like they grow tacky objects out of their neck. One may have a rubber fish tied to it, another a bent and distorted coat hanger, and still another an ugly wooden rod entitled “bathroom key.” What exactly are you supposed to do with the foot long ruler with curse words written on it while you’re trying to pee?

5. It gives too much power to the holder of the key. The holder of the key can deny me or anyone else the right and opportunity to use the bathroom in the toilet. I don’t like that one bit. Not one bit.

Again, I know this has no real spiritual significance, and I didn’t want to try to stretch it to find one. So all I’ve got is an angry rant on this Thursday.

blisters

2008-08-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

i now have four blisters on my feet. four. they hurt alot, but i may just be thankful for them...

i took my bike out for a ride this morning hoping to ride 15-20 miles (im still too new to ride farther) but noticed a problem about 3.5 miles from the house. i strated noticing it was a little difficult to pedal. i went to a higher gear, but it didn't help as much as it usually does. then i heard it... click click click click... i had a flat tire. i had to walk my bike back 3.5 miles. as i was walking i got really worried i would wear out my shoes (you aren't supposed to walk in them at all really) and ruin the part of the shoe that clilps into the pedals.

so i took off my shoes and walked barefoot.

the sidewalks and roads are hot in guam.

3.5 miles.

before my feet started to hurt i prayed a little for the college students and the ministry starting here in guam. i really think we'll be recognized by the university very soon. we have a few more than the 10 people we need if everyone shows up at the same time. but as my feet started to hurt my mind shifted to other things.

as i walked i remembered a few pelple i've met who don't own shoes. in swaziland i met four little girls living in a one room orphanage with about 25 other kids. i think they were 9 years old. i walked up to their orphanage as they were arriving back from the river 4 miles away. each little girl had a 5 gallon jug of water on her head or under her arm for the kids that day. they walked 8 miles every single morning without shoes. i met phumzille at the dream center in durban. she didn't wear shoes because aids hurt her feet too badly. in brazil along the amazon i met an entire team of soccer (futball) players without shoes. they didn't have shoes, generators in their village, toothbrushes... but they did have infections, worms, river water to drink, and a good time beating the pants off us in soccer. about half the kids in a little school outside durban didn't wear shoes, but it didn't stop them from attacking me while we played red light green light. and i remember a homeless man in abilene i met my first year in college. he didn't have shoes in the most religious town in the bible belt.

i don't remember the last time i gave a pair of shoes away. im ashamed that i don't remember. i don't know if ive ever bought a NEW pair of shoes for a kid. i remember imploring others to do that kind of thing, and i remember my roomate daniel buying shoes for kids in college. i also remember being angry in peru when i found out people send their old worn out shoes to the orphanage rather than sending shoes they would want on their american children... but me buying the shoe, i don't know. and as i walked along the sidewalk my heart started hurting more than my feet. i know it isn't wrong for me to have shoes. and i think its good to wear them if you have them... but it was nice and painful to remember connections with people without shoes today. and its even nice to have four blisters to remind me to "seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly before God."

coastal thoughts

2008-08-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

so i got a new bike 2 days ago. i bought a decent giant rode bike so that a) i don't have to pay quite as much on gas every month, and b) so i can get into shape and maybe ride down japan sometime soon (its my newest goal). i really like it. its only a few steps up from the basic entry level bike, but its mine and its blue.

while i was riding yesterday (only 8 miles because im not in shape) i noticed something i haven't seen in a few weeks. guam is beautiful. ive had a difficult 2 weeks and have been so inwardly focused that i haven't been able to see what is happening around me. the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west. the waves still crash into the reef. the small islands off guams coast still intrigue me. i rode along a coastal road yesterday and tried to breath guam in.

while inhaling and exhaling guam (and tons of oxygen... remember, out of shape) i realized i was beginning to enjoy God as well. I began to remember the psalms and other writings where men and women express their joy with God while looking out over his creation. for the first time in weeks i felt like i was BEHOLDING the glory of the Lord. i didn't just see a wave. i didn't just admire a bird. i wasn't just impressed with a coastline. i enjoyed the God who created them. i communed with the God who tells birds when to hunt and forms waves miles offshore.

as i put the bike in my truck and bought an enormous water and gatorade i felt sad from not looking. i quietly mourned my self centeredness and its reprocussions. i thanked God for his beauty. and i decided to look around.

Psalm 92 says this:

"for you, oh LORD, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands i sing for joy."

and psalm 95 also:

"in his hands are the depths of the earth; the heights of the mountains are his also. the sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land. oh let us come and bow down; let us kneel before the lord our maker."

before we are to bow down overwhelmed by his creation we must first see it. to rejoice from his creation we have to look at it. notice the trees in new england's autum yes. notice the miles of clear skies in the west texas towns sure. but let them also cause us to enjoy the God who created it all.

tuxedo t-shirts

2008-08-12T18:34:00.000-07:00

I performed dave and erin’s wedding this weekend in new jersey. I got to see good friends from new london and eat some good Mexican food at ortega’s, but the best part of the week was a conversation the night after the wedding. I was talking to some new friends on our way back to the hotel after we ate dinner at a great pub called “the grasshopper off the green.” We were laughing pretty serious when we passed a very nice Presbyterian church. My new friend’s fiancée asked me if I was a minister in the Presbyterian church or some other denomination (I got asked a lot of questions about being a minister this week. Apparently im a little too young and “normal” to be a minister).

This sparked a great conversation. Somehow we started talking about Jesus and what he was like when one of them said, “you know, I wish Jesus was the kind or guy who would wear a tuxedo t-shirt.” I admit that until this moment in my life ive never heard anyone say they wished Jesus was a tuxedo t-shirt wearing kind of guy, but I was intrigued. After I asked them what they meant (through laughter almost causing tears) they explained that they always wished Jesus would have been a guy who would knew how to handle himself at a formal affair or church service but then also knew how to be the life of the party.

I don’t know how to tell you how good it felt to tell them that the Jesus they wished for was the Jesus who is. I grinned and laughed a little as I told them Jesus might have in fact been the tuxedo t-shirt kind of guy. They looked shock when I told them he got accused of being a drunkard and a glutton by the religious of his day. They loved the story of him partying with Matthew, tax collectors, and sinners after Matthew became a follower of Jesus. And they nodded in agreement when I them he said “its not the healthy that need a doctor but the sick.” They’re response was to ask why they never heard about this Jesus before.

You see, I realize more and more everyday that we don’t have to water Jesus down, butter him up, or protect him from his hard sayings or difficult ways. Jesus is intriguing on his own. Some people like Jesus, some don’t, and many are somewhere in this blend of apathy and ignorance. It seems if we’d just give him a good look and share what we know, without our well constructed outlines, without our acronyms, without our gimmicks and tricks we tack onto his name that people might actually be intrigued and ask who he was and what he did. He doesn’t need me to put cool clothes on him, make his teachings easy, or give him a Victorian halo.

He probably doesn’t like halos anyway… after all, he might just be a tuxedo t-shirt kind of guy.

9 things i saw this weekend:

2008-08-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

i saw...

and walked over a spanish bridge built in the 1500s, but was most excited about the picture with tara taken in front of it.

i saw...

a bright blue starfish with arms reaching out wider than a basketball.

i saw...

an island deer walk along the beach and then swim in the ocean.

i saw...

a latte (long "e" sound, not the coffee) stone site dating back 1000 years. these stones were most than likely used to create the foundation for a town hall near the ocean. i took a picture of tara holding stones used for grinding and cooking and thus proved she is domestic.

i saw...

the bob dylan story "I'm not there" and was intrigued by a very unique man. the world affected him so deeply.

i saw...

and ate the meat of a coconut my friend george found on the beach. it was delicious. but even more delicious was talophopho, which is the meat of a coconut after it has started to grow a stalk or branch from its heart.

i saw...

beautiful fish in 50 feet of water. i know im new to the ocean scene, but i don't think i'll ever cease to be amazed by the colors and designs and movements of these fish. they are a wonder. the more i see underneath the surface of the water the more i am saddend that we overfish these oceans. every other animal on the globe seems to live in balance with the animals around it. why don't we? and a more disturbing question, why do we use scripture to allow us to overfish, overhunt, and overtrash the earth? God telling us there's an end doesn't give us the liberty to squander what he's put us in charge of.

i saw...

myself change with the book "everything must change" in my hands. and i begin to ask myself the question what is more immoral: cursing, sex before marriage, homosexuality, drinking... or greed, oppresion of the poor, consumerism, war, and jesus' name being tacked on them? we are so focused on the individual sins that we lose our responsibility for the global ones. i really don't think the author says this directly in his book. im pretty sure i just daydream while i read.

i saw...

a bike i really want to buy so i can start training for a tri-athlon... tomorrow.

the waiting game

2008-07-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

last night was our first college ministry get together. tara and i cooked steaks, mashed potatoes, salads, brownies, and calamanci pie for anyone who wanted to show up. i forgot how nerve racking the first meeting or conversations are. i invited 5 or 6 people to have dinner at the house, made the plans for dinner, prayed a lot, started cooking, and then waited. that wait kills me. you know, the one where you're getting ready to throw the steaks on the grill when the first students show up so you're sitting (or pacing) watching the clock hit 7:00. well the clock hit 7:00. then it hit 7:03. then i started looking out the windows. as it turned 7:05 i half joked with tara that maybe her and i were going to eat 10 steaks and 3 pounds of mashed potatoes by ourselves. at 7:07 i worried we would have to do just that. 7:10 made me start pacing twice as fast, but finally at 7:13 i saw lights pulling up the driveway.

i got the oppertunity to eat a good meal with 8 other people who really might want to follow Jesus like he wanted to be followed. as the students introduced themselves and told how they arrived at this poiint in their lives i couldn't help but remember other introductions in ct. i began to get excited about conversations in the future or mission planning meetings with these 20 year olds. i noticed i was anxious to hear them talk about Jesus over coffee or to see them give shoes to a needy kid. i couldn't wait to hear them share jesus with a friend or hear them pray for their communities.

when it came my turn to share my story i couldn't help but grin as i talked about the strange road to connecticut from texas, centralpub from mystic, and guam usa from new britain. as i shared what i loved and how i genuinely like Jesus and the ideas spinning around in my brain for outreach and missions here on guam i got excited. i think i have a few people to follow Jesus with and im getting excited to share life with them.

authentic authentic authentic...

2008-07-27T06:55:00.000-07:00

i think i forgot how difficult it can be to find a church. well, i don't guess its hard to literally find one, but it seems hard to find one to call home. tara and i have visited a few and ive met a few other pastors since being on island, but we just haven't felt comfortable for whatever reason. none of the churches ive visited are "bad" churches and we haven't seen anyone try to eat snakes or train monkeys to worship with us, but still, ive had a hard time finding a "home" church.

at times i know its my fault. im hard on churches and their pastors. i am at times very cynical, judgmental, and basically want something like centralpub in ct. i want a place i can invite friends to. i would like them to enjoy and love college students. i want them to be a part of the community. but above all, i want them to be authentic people.

today i think i visited a great church. its not the biggest or the smallest. it doesn't have very many white off-islanders. it doesn't have the nicest building or the best music or the most dynamic speaker ive ever heard. but they were humble, kind, and authentic. tara and i were a little late, but there were still fresh local banans and bread fruit near the door. a nice man named glenn welcomed us and grinned as he shook our hands. the song choice was great and thoughtful, not just repetitive and spiritual sounding. the church is also trying to love and strengthen the chamoran culture. they are sponsoring a proa (a sweet canoe built in the old traditional ways) being built on the church grounds, which is a huge event and blessing to the island. people filter in to learn about their culture and why a church would want to support it every week. and, their pastor is a texan.

anyway, the sermon was relevant and insightful. we shook a lot of hands after the service and met a sweet girl who wanted to be a part of the new college ministry. but the thing me and tara both mentioned as we got in the car was how honest and authentic everyone seemed. no one tried to sell the church to us. no one praised their accomplishments or tried to recruit us for teaching or group leading or anything. they just welcomed us and said they were glad to meet us. i liked it.

liberation day parade

2008-07-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

Guam celebrates a holiday on July 21st called liberation day. It celebrates the day America “liberated” them from Japanese occupation in 1944. The Japanese soldiers on the island treated the guam people worse than I imagined. They regularly massacred workers, raped, and beat the people. The conditions grew worse as it became clear the Americans were going to take control of the island causing the Japanese soldiers to gather the largest, brightest, most influential people from town to town killing them in caves and ditches. I’ve personally gotten opportunities to go to these massacre sights and hear the old men tell the stories of their fathers and brothers killed by scared, ashamed, small (in spirit not stature) men.

On the night before the parade people line the streets camping with their families holding the best spots for the parade the next day. The morning of the parade was electric to say the least. The smell of wood, charcoal, and meat on the grill fills the entire city and the main road is shut down for the day. The parade is so long it seems that every business and family and vehicle is involved, everyone waves, and everyone shares with each other what the other will accept. Children chase candy in the streets. Old people dance. Tattoos are given on the road. Cotton candy stains kids clothes. Stories are told.

I’ve never had my land taken from me by an oppressor wanting to make bombs. I’ve never had my father taken from my home to be shot in a cave. I’ve never had my wife taken from me and given to “needy” soldiers for sport. But I know what its like to see my way of life change for the better. When the American marines were still small on the horizon, the guam people began to quietly celebrate their coming. A better life was on its way… a new “kingdom” was “at hand” you might say. And in a very powerful way, I’ve experienced this kind of celebration, this liberation. And its not only a liberation of my soul, but of my mouth and my brain and my loves and hopes. I too have been liberated from an old, oppressive way to a new hope… the way of Jesus.

So as I watched my fiancée march at strict attention through crowds of waving children in the 94 degree direct sunlight, I grinned. My heart celebrated my own liberation, and I thanked God that a new kingdom was truly “at hand."

i really hope that was a sea turtle

2008-07-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

i went kayaking with tara this weekend in a beautiful lagoon. we were out on the water for 3 hours or so kayaking around several islands close to cocos. on the way out i saw what at first looked like a person surfacing after swimming under water, but then the large figure glided back under the water barely splashing. 'tara, what in the world was that?!" i yelled, but of course she didn't see. its a rule you know, when you see something surprisingly cool, no one else will see it. thankfully whatever it was surfaced again shortly after.

i took off toward the thing not knowing what is was or what it wanted to do to me in my little orange kayak. i paddled over to its spot without thinking about what i would do once i got there or what i would see under the water if i spotted it. then i got nervous... what was in the water in the middle of the pacific that made me think it was a human? did i want to see a shark? was a dolphin going to jump out of the water and make me piss my kayak? about a week ago i watched the jaws marathon on amc, and the images of a huge great white hunting unsuspecting kayakers was creeping into my brain. tara is much more optimistic and was screaming that we just saw a sea turtle, but i wasn't convinced. i saw it splash another time and went to find it, but i wasn't sure of what i might see.

you see, i got nervous because i was in the water with an unknown thing, and the unknown seems to make us nervous. if i knew a rabid, hungry, 19 foot long shark was hunting us, i could then be afraid, paddle towards tara, and get us to safety. if i knew we had seen a dolphin, i could have dove in the water to swim with flipper. but i didn't know. when we are encountering or on the verge of the unknown we get nervous, we question ourselves, we freeze up, or we find ourselves to be very unsure of how to act.

thats the way this ministry in guam feels to me right now. i'm not afraid. i'm not over-confident. i'm unsure. the problems, the joys, and the outcomes are unknown to me. guam is a very different culture than tx and ct, and like anyone, i worry i won't be able to connect well with the students. i feel like i'm in a little kayak paddling around looking for the big "something" in the water. in moments like these, i'm glad jesus is WITH us rather than far off. i'm glad he's near rather than aloof. he doesn't just guide us or command us, but he is near experiencing life WITH us. and this gives me more confidence. it makes me happy to serve and enjoy a jesus who doesn't tell us what the unknown is if i only pray right, but he paddles over to the unknown and peers into the water with us. this gives me confidence to try.

plan? but i don't want a plan...

2008-07-14T08:54:00.001-07:00

i got the opportunity recently to listen to a great discussion. we were sitting around a table or two talking about salvation. i like salvation. really, i like saving and being saved anyway you cut it. i like it when tara "saves" me a bite of her steak. i like it when i "save" room for dessert. if im falling off a mountain i want some park ranger in green to "save" me from broken bones.

but something happened this afternoon... i didn't want to be saved in the way we were discussing it. please don't get me wrong, i understand and love what Jesus has done and is continuing to do for me, but something deep in my brain and self bothered me. i heard the phrase im sure many of us have heard, "plan of salvation." the discussion moved forward and walked down the roman road nicely and accurately, but still i was uncomfortable.

its taken me a few days, but i think i know what made me so uncomfortable. i think im bothered because we have the gospel and message of Jesus down to a plan. at times i feel we've checked for typos, ran the pages through the copier, stapled each set neatly in the top left corner, and set each packet on the desks of our neighbors. is this okay?

now, i know we need distinctives, and im not trying to say we don't need a belief or a guide. i am also not saying we can get to Jesus anyway we see fit or that we are in fact capable in ourselves to reach the standard Jesus has set... i simply want to pose the question, HOW DID JESUS TALK ABOUT SALVATION? did he use a cut and dry 5 step plan, or did he tell stories? did he use acronyms or toss seeds on different paths? did he use a bullhorn or bread? did he say follow these steps, or did he say follow me? did his first teachings about belief and forgiveness and the kingdom of heaven center around the cross, or did they center around his life?

again, im not trying to discount or devalue paul's writings in Romans or Ephesians nor am i saying they shouldn't be used when sharing the gospel. what i am asking is this: should something like the salvation of our selves and our pasts and futures and nows and our brains and hearts and souls be broken down into a plan to be accomplished or checked off as "done?"

choking redemption

2008-07-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

I’ve recently wondered about this weighty theological term redemption. You see, I’m not sure we understand its implications very well. While driving near a bay in Guam looking out over the pacific from a small cliff I had these dramatic, sorta cheesy thoughts. I jotted them down either while driving or shortly after. Even though it’s rough and a little embarrassing, I’ll write them out for you:

“Just how far and wide do the echoes of redemption resound? We have restricted this redemption word by only letting our post-life souls enjoy it. We haven’t allowed ourselves to dance wildly in our own redemption. Austin, let go of redemption’s throat. It wants to breathe.”

I know I was moved by the waves and the beauty of the water and the vastness of the ocean, but looking past my over-dramatized writing I wonder what we’ve done to God’s redeeming work in our lives. I worry we’ve short changed him and his power to ONLY apply to our afterlife. Surely the kingdom or heaven, the miracles, the cross, the resurrection, the words, the parables… surely they weren’t intended to “merely” protect and reward our after we die.

What if our redemption changed and made beautiful the way we spend our money? What if we extended this “making right what’s ruined” by making sure we don’t over fish tuna, or what if we gave our possessions away rather than hoarding them? What if we talked sweetly to our parents when they didn’t deserve it, or what if God made right the way we kiss and hold hands and hug each other? What if God’s redemption gave us a nice and hardy push toward the path Jesus walked called the kingdom of heaven… maybe then we wouldn’t have to wait for heaven to be transformed and happy… maybe we could experience heaven in an aids hospice or on a hike or kissing a pretty girl or while giving a kid new shoes or singing at the top of our lungs.

i've been here 10 days

2008-07-09T23:14:00.000-07:00

Guam is a beautiful place. i mean it. i get lost in my brain looking out over the water at the waves and clouds as they seem to meet somewhere in the horizon. gas is $4.92 a gallon as of today and strawberries are over $6 most places, but its free to walk and drive and breath with your eyes open.

i'm praying for creativity and vision right now... ideas flood my head, but none seem to stick at the moment. i know i want to meet students. i forgot how awkward most first meetings are with students who don't know you and don't have a reason to know you any better than they know john doe. this week is the week i ask a few ive met out to coffee or a sandwhich or whatever. i just actually lifted my coffee cup in a cheers to getting stood up a few times and looked at like im a strange stalker or cult-starter. indeed, here's to that.